


Unspoken

by djupcake



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Hanna in the Early Chapters, Homophobia, Incest, Internalized Homophobia, Messy Breakup, Prayer, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Religious Discussion, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Sisterly bonding, incest guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28113735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djupcake/pseuds/djupcake
Summary: Anna is a good Christian. She was baptized willingly, reads her Bible every day, honors her father and mother, and is on track to go to the same private Christian university her entire family has gone to. But when her heart starts wanting someone she can't have, it threatens to ruin all of this. Will she follow her desires? or will she keep the peace and leave them unspoken?
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney), Anna/Hans (Disney)
Comments: 89
Kudos: 216





	1. Chapter 1

Hans sets his acoustic guitar on the stand next to him and pulls out a beaten-up moleskine notebook. He looks at the rest of his brothers and sisters in Christ and smiles gratefully, "Before we close out tonight's study, we're going to go around the room and take prayer requests."

Everyone inside Hillside Church's youth room smiles and nods, except for Anna, who's both grateful and dreading her place at the end of the circle of chairs. Hans would be asking for her prayer request last, which gave her time to come up with something to say. Something safe. Something neutral.

Something that would keep her from revealing her terrible, disgusting secret.

"I've got my swim meet tomorrow," Ariel says, hoping that sitting next to Hans during these Bible studies will finally get him to notice her. "I'm just hoping that I can set a new PR, I don't think I'm good enough yet to place."

Clearly, she wants Hans to say something- compliment her- but it's the girl sitting next to her, Ella, who remarks, "I'm sure you're much better than you think you are. As for me, uh, things at home are kinda rough. Especially with my step sisters. So if I can get some prayer for that, I'd be really grateful."

Anna relates all too well with that feeling. Family problems, _sister_ problems especially. Except she feels guilty for even thinking that Elsa is a problem, when in reality it's herself that should carry that label. She was the problem child, the one who just...couldn't be normal.

Hans finishes what he's writing in his notebook, and looks at the reserved guy in the corner of the room, sitting on a school chair that no one can see past his wide frame. "Sully, what about you?"

"Oh, is it my turn?" He asks with a voice so deep, you'd be forgiven for not thinking he's still a highschooler. "I guess uh...I'm on the worship team this weekend. So I'm hoping I can keep up with everyone. I don't want to miss any notes or something like that, you know?"

"Please, you're the best bassist in town," Eugene interjects. "You're gonna kill it."

Sully smiles gratefully at him, and then shrinks back into himself. An oxymoron if there ever was one.

That leaves only two other people before it's Anna's turn, and she's yet to think of anything. Maybe she could...no. No one would understand, even _she_ barely understands why her heart has to feel the way it does. And a Bible study full of people she's only kinda friends with at school- save for Hans who's a college graduate- isn't the time and place to unveil her sickness.

Even Rapunzel, the girl next to say her prayer request and the only one she is truly friends with in this room, doesn't know what's going on. And Anna doesn't want to tell her due to the completely rational fear that she might lose the only friend she has. Even as Rapunzel looks at her and mouths 'You okay?', all Anna can do is stay straight-faced and nod.

When Hans says her name, Rapunzel brings her attention back to the group and turns her personality back on. Her smile brightens the room and she intertwines her hand with the guy sitting next to her, the aforementioned Eugene. "Well, in honor of our one-month anniversary, Eugene and I are starting a devotional together on dating. It's really exciting for the both of us, and I'm hoping for support and love during this new step in our relationship."

"Of course," Hans replies with a smile of his own. Less bright, but just as genuine. "I'm really happy for you two, and I'm so glad Eugene could finally join us tonight."

Anna is happy for Rapunzel too, but the sin of envy creeps inside her skin as well. Not because of Eugene- he seems nice, even if he doesn't look all too keen on spending his Wednesday night at a Bible study- but because Rapunzel found someone she wanted to be with. Someone she was... _allowed_ to be with.

The constant battle between her heart and her faith have affected Anna physically, mentally, emotionally, _and_ spiritually. The words of Jeremiah 17:9 stay burned into her mind, reminding her time and time again that her heart is deceiving her. And yet, she can't keep her feelings down. It feels like the more she tries to repress them, deny them, the stronger they become. This conflict manifested inside her through sleepless nights, impure thoughts, and massive amounts of anxiety.

And she knew they were about to get worse, because tomorrow she'll be back.

The twisted, ever present object of her heart. The unbiblical, unnatural source of her affection and affliction. Gone for three months on a mission trip to Ghana, and her plane is arriving tomorrow at 9:21 AM.

Anna wonders if that should be what she asks for prayer about, but just speaking her name might cause her to react in a way that would raise suspicion. So, that was off the table.

At least Eugene still needs to go before she's called on. Hans loves getting prayer requests from new members, he sees it as a way of being formally welcomed into the Bible study family. Anna figures she still has maybe a minute or so to herself, but all Eugene says is "Same as Rapunzel".

And now there's no time left.

Hans nods and turns towards Anna, she swears she can see his smile grow just a little more as he asks, "What about you, Anna? How can we as a study- as a family- support you this week?"

The walls have already closed in so much around her, and the eyes and faces that turn towards her don't do anything to remedy it. And the thought of tomorrow makes her spiral down even faster.

But Anna knows that an answer is still expected from her, and amidst the inner turmoil she decides on one word to utter.

"Unspoken."

It's a prayer request used to signify that there's something going on, something that you can't talk about but need help in overcoming. And what's a greater obstacle to overcome than this? Even if it opens her up to be the subject of many lines of gossip, Anna can't think of anything else to say. So, she accepts it.

And when Hans leads the prayer to close out the night, Anna's quick to leave before anyone asks her anything. She even blows off Rapunzel, which causes the guilt in her to worsen.

Anna looks at the time on her dashboard: _9:21 PM._

She turns on her radio to hopefully drown out her thoughts just for a little bit, hoping for twenty or so minutes of reprieve. But when a worship song from last Sunday begins to play, she's reminded of a line in it that all too aptly describes her trouble. Tomorrow, in twelve hours, the old is made new. Old feelings and troubles will be made new once again.

She'll be at school when the plane arrives from Ghana, but when she gets back home there won't be any more escape from her thoughts. Her emotions. Her heart. Her constantly tested faith. Because tomorrow, Elsa was coming back home. Her older sister. Her best friend.

And the woman she's deeply and disgracefully in love with.

* * *

 _ The heart is deceitful above all things  and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?  _ (Jeremiah 17:9)

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Being at school is turning out to be pointless, Anna can't focus on anything to save her life. Anything productive, at least.

When 9:21 AM hits, all she can think about is Elsa getting off her plane, hurrying out of the terminal, getting her luggage off the conveyor belt, embracing their parents at the entrance. She has to be home now, and as the day went on all of Anna's thoughts revolved around Elsa.

While she was working with her partner in Physics, was Elsa unpacking and putting away her clothes?

While she was running laps in PE, was Elsa taking a nap in her bed while her chill playlist played through her Bluetooth speaker?

While she was failing her New Testament Studies quiz, was Elsa eating through the box of Pop-Tarts Anna bought her as a welcome back gift?

It...isn't healthy. Then again, not a lot of her thoughts and feelings towards her older sister are healthy. And it's only a matter of time that her internal struggle would grab the attention of a certain someone.

"Something's wrong," Rapunzel says during their lunch hour. "Come on Anna, talk to me."

Anna stops picking at her carrots and tries her best to smile at her concerned friend, "Oh, am I acting weird? Sorry about that."

"What? No, don't apologize. Just…tell me what's going on." Rapunzel reached her hand across the table to keep Anna's attention away from her carrots. "You know I'll understand."

No she won't.

Who can understand the feeling of being attracted to your own sister? And worse yet, a _girl_ being attracted to her own sister. It's a topic rarely talked about by anyone at her church and school, but all that she's learned points to her feelings being wrong. Her entire life Anna's been raised to be this wonderful child of God meant for great things in His name, and she believes that with all her heart. But then her heart started wanting _this,_ and other things that she was taught not to want.

And Anna's heard the stories, heard what happens to those in the church who revel in their impurity and sin. She knows what happens to those who continued to partake in the desires of the flesh. A life of shame, gossip, and in some cases excommunication. It's a life she didn't wish upon her family or herself, so she keeps these thoughts and feelings to herself.

Hoping that one day they would just...go away.

But it's been six months and nothing's changed except for the pain. It grew with each passing day.

Maybe Rapunzel won't understand her secret, but Anna feels like she needs to tell her _something_. She's always been nothing but supportive for her, and right now Anna desperately needs someone to confide in. She wouldn't give her friend the whole truth, just something to test the waters.

"Have you ever...wanted something you knew you couldn't have?"

Rapunzel nods as if everything's coming together in her head. "All the time," she says sympathetically. "And that's okay, Anna. That's what it means to be human, but you know that we have the strength to overcome that."

Anna can sense the words of 2 Timothy 1:7 on the tip of Rapunzel's tongue, and she's grateful that she doesn't say them out loud. Despite her studies and fascination with the Bible, she's always had this strange pet peeve about people reciting verses to her. Her next question is a little more cautious, "But have you ever wanted something that you've always been told was wrong to want?"

Rapunzel clicks her tongue, "Ah, I think I know where you're going with this."

A brief panic washes over Anna, wondering how Rapunzel can be this deductive. Or maybe Anna is just that transparent.

But it turns out that Rapunzel's conclusion is far from being correct. "Anna, you know our church isn't like a cult, right? It's perfectly fine for you to feel... _physically_ attracted to guys. We're eighteen-years-old, we go to an all-girls high school, it's perfectly natural at this time in our lives to feel those urges!"

Oh, this was a mistake. Just a minute ago, she was almost relieved at the idea of getting some advice and support from Rapunzel, and now she just wants her to stop talking. Her face is warm and redder than the cherry tomatoes on her plate, and when Rapunzel starts talking about the thoughts she has when she's with Eugene, it fills her with an uncomfortable amount of uncomfort. Anna puts her hands against her ears and groans, "Gah okay stop! Just stop."

She sees the word 'sorry' come out of her guilty friend's mouth.

"You're fine," Anna replies as she places her hands back on the table.

"But does that help any?"

"Not really. I'm sorry, I just...ugh," Anna rests her head against the table, cushioning it with her arms. "I guess this is something I'm gonna have to figure out by myself."

"But you won't be by yourself," Rapunzel explains. And Anna hopes a little too much that Rapunzel will say that she'll help her through this and figure out the root of her problem and get rid of it. Instead, she just says, "You have God! He's always with you."

Yeah...he is.

* * *

It's 3:24 PM, the moment that Anna's been dreading and excited for is finally here.

She parks her car in the driveway and can't help but smirk at the 'Welcome Home!' banner that her parents set up on the front porch for Elsa. She unlocks the front door and is greeted by an unexpected quiet before realizing that her parents probably went back to work after picking her sister up from the airport. There would be more than enough time to catch up when they went out for dinner tonight.

But Anna knows that Elsa's here.

She can feel it, and also her shoes are by the front door. The blue Converse high-tops are more worn down than they were three months ago, and there's dirt on them that'll probably never come off. Anna takes off her shoes and places them next to Elsa's. Once she makes her way up the stairs, she bites the bullet and goes straight for her sister's room. Even if a part of her also wants to take her backpack off her shoulders and lie down for a second, the need to see her sister overrides everything. As sickening as that need might be…

After a long, deep breath, Anna knocks on her door in the same way she's always done since they were kids. But there's no answer. She waits a few seconds more and does the knock again, but still there's no answer.

Perhaps her timeline is a little bit off and Elsa is still sleeping. It wouldn't be totally out of character for her sister, she always tended to take long naps. But this meant their reunion would have to be put on hold for just a little bit longer, which was both a relief and disappointment to her.

And then Anna feels something poke at her side, and her soul momentarily leaves her body. "Holy-!" she exclaims. She turns around to see what just happened.

And there she is.

Elsa.

Her platinum blonde hair falls perfectly down her shoulders and back, she's got on her typical home attire of a light-blue shirt and gray shorts, and the tan she got from being south of the Equator suits her far too well. She's beautiful, always has been, and when she smiles and says "Hi", Anna's heart starts pounding out of her chest.

"Elsa! Don't scare me like that!" Anna says a little too loudly so as to drown out the screaming in her head.

Elsa giggles, and it seems to quicken her heart rate even more, "I'm sorry, you know I couldn't resist."

"I swear if I have a heart attack, you're paying for my funeral."

"Oh, you'll be okay." But as Elsa closes the distance between them, lays her arms across her sister's shoulders and embraces her, Anna knows for sure that she won't be. Especially once Elsa tightens her embrace and whispers, "I missed you."

Anna hates that this feels wrong now, she hates the thought invading her mind that she doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to be missed by a sister that she has twisted feelings for. She doesn't deserve to be held in a warm, comforting embrace. She doesn't deserve to be considered one of God's children- loved and chosen by Him- when he knows what's going on inside her heart right now.

She doesn't deserve to hold Elsa so tight, but she does it anyway. She doesn't deserve to whisper back "I missed you", but she does that too. Because she's home, and she loves her.

And this might be the last good memory she has with her sister before everything falls apart.

* * *

 _For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline._ (2 Timothy 1:7)

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I think the world needs a little more confident Elsa and anxiety-riddled Anna. Also, thank you for the support on the first chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Every time her family wants to celebrate an Elsa accomplishment, they always go to this cheap steakhouse five minutes from home. It's the kind of place that serves unlimited dinner rolls, plays the same five modern country songs, and has the employees sing and give a slice of cake to anyone on their birthday.

Her parents assumed that it was Elsa's favorite restaurant since that's where she always chose to go. But Anna knew that she only chose this place because it was cheap, they didn't have to drive too far, and they didn't need to dress all fancy-like.

Yet even in jeans and her old Hillside Youth Group t-shirt, Elsa looks amazing. Anna went with jeans and a pink flannel with the sleeves rolled up, reveling in the freedom of not having to dress up in her uniform or any church-related clothing. It's comfortable and safe, even if it makes her feel like she's back in middle school- where she only wore flannels.

When they've finished ordering, their mother claps her hands together and says excitedly, "Okay, tell us _everything_."

During their time alone in the house, Elsa unpacked and told her everything about living in Ghana, the water pumps and shelters they built, and the lessons she was able to teach the young ladies there. So, Anna already knows every detail, and she feels bad that Elsa has to tell the whole story again. Although, knowing Elsa, she'd gladly talk about her passions all day if she could. Anna does her best to listen because her sister looks so excited to retell the story, but her mind keeps drifting back to their embrace. How good it felt, how wrong it felt. How much she couldn't wait to hold her again.

It doesn't help that Elsa is sitting on her side of the booth.

She's trying, though, to just be her sister. This moment- this night- was for Elsa, and Anna would never forgive herself if she let her own emotions ruin that in any way. She smiles and nods during the retelling, keeps her mouth shut unless she's asked a question, and says "Amen" after their father leads the prayer once their food makes it to the table.

Everything's going fine until their mother starts talking about Anna's future.

"This is going to be so wonderful, our two little girls will be going to the same school again," she coos. "Anna, you've already sent in your application to St. Joseph's, right?"

Anna nods, "I sent it last week."

"Perfect! That means they should be getting back to you soon. And Elsa's going to talk to the Housing Department to make sure you're both in the same dorm."

Oh.

Oh that's not good.

Anna almost chokes on her water when her mother hits her with that bit of news. She feels Elsa's hand on her back and the concerned looks of her family. When she composes herself, she says, "Sorry, water went down the wrong pipe. Did...I don't remember us talking about that. Living together, I mean."

"We brought it up with Elsa today when we were driving back," her father explains.

She looks at her sister who has an apologetic grin on her face, "I...may have forgotten to tell you about that."

Her father, the straightforward and no-nonsense man that he is, explains, "It'll save us some money having you two staying in one room. And Elsa's been there for three years now, so she can help you adjust to college life." It's fascinating watching her father casually eat his steak and not noticing the glass shattering between Anna's ears.

She couldn't change the fact that she was going to be on the same campus as Elsa, but living in the freshmen dorms would mean she'd at least have some time to herself if needed. And now that safety net is gone. Being at home with Elsa already proves she can't temper her feelings for her sister if they're under the same roof. And the dorm set-up meant technically they'll be sharing a room for the first time since they were in elementary school. Same roof, same room, beds ten feet apart. Anna can already see herself going insane.

Well, she thought, maybe her parents suggested this and Elsa said yes because it's easier than arguing with them. Anna asks her sister, "You're okay with this? You'll be a senior, you can live in an apartment. I doubt you'll want to live around a bunch of freshmen in your last year."

"RA's do it all the time. And besides…" Elsa bites her lip and shrugs, "It was kinda my idea."

Anna blinks, "What?"

Elsa frowns, "Anna, ever since I went off to college, I haven't really been there for you. I mean I come home on breaks and you call me all the time, but it's not the same as me being physically there- er, here. We get one year together in college, and I want to be there for you to make up for that lost time."

Their mother says "Aww". It doesn't help.

Elsa, though, picks up that something might be wrong. Although that's probably obvious when Anna doesn't look as excited as everyone else at the table. "Look, nothing's official," she says, pointing at Anna with her fork. "And there's a chance the Housing Department might not go for it. But if they say yes, then we can talk about it some more. Okay?"

She places her hand on top of Anna's and squeezes it. And that _definitely_ doesn't help.

Saying that they can 'talk more about it' is just something to ease Anna's nerves for the time being. She knows the decision was made before dinner, and either she went along with it or cause too much of a stir for nothing. Except it's _not_ nothing, at least for Anna.

And maybe this would be easier to protest if she hated Elsa, or if Elsa was a terrible sister. But neither of those are true, Elsa's the best sister anyone could ask for. This problem is a burden that Anna has to carry and deal with alone.

She gets a little bit of reprieve when their mother changes the subject again, "Oh Elsa, how are things with that boy you're seeing? Adam, right?"

Again, this is something that Anna already knows about. But it'll be interesting what she says to their parents.

"Ah...uh yeah...we broke up. Well, I broke up with him."

She wisely omits the fact that she broke up with him the day before she left for her mission trip. Their parents' reactions are as expected: their father sits stoically, nodding while he plans his response behind his eyes, and their mother lets out an audible gasp and looks like Elsa's just offended her.

"But why?" Their mother asks. "He was such a nice boy, and you two made each other _so_ happy."

Elsa frowns, "Yeah well it turns out he was making other girls 'happy' too." When she prods her chicken with a fork, Anna wonders if she's envisioning doing the same thing to Adam.

The good news, though, is that their mother takes Elsa's side easily. "Ugh, so disappointing," she remarks with a frown of her own.

"That would explain why he's stopped coming to the Men's Group," their dad interjects. "It really is disappointing to see the lack of faithfulness in young men these days. After all we teach them about being loyal and honest to their women, it's like it goes in one ear and right out the other."

Anna bites her tongue to keep from remarking about how that's been a problem for generations.

"It's okay though, I'm already over it," Elsa says. Which isn't entirely true, considering that she told Anna how jealous she was over her not being so hung up on boys and relationships. The irony of that statement isn't lost on her. "Next time will be different, but for now I'm just going to focus on my studies and get through the rest of the year."

Those words stay with Anna, with hopes that maybe she can do the same.

"And how about you, Anna? Have you found someone you're interested in?"

It feels like the ground crumbles underneath Anna as their mother's question hits her. And she wishes that she can keep falling so she can end up anywhere else that isn't here. Sitting in the booth of a steakhouse, sweating through her flannel from the bright overhead lights like this is some interrogation. What can she say that will sound satisfying enough to them? Or mostly their mom, as it seems like their dad has gone back to focusing on his steak. What can she say that won't hurt her?

Well, she doesn't have to say anything it seems. Because Elsa saves her.

"Mother, I think we've talked enough about relationships for one night. Besides, I want to tell you about this little girl I met in Ghana."

Just like that their mother's attention is turned back towards Elsa, and Anna can breathe again. For now, at least. But this kind of question will come up again, this kind of talk is going to happen again. And next time Elsa may not be there to save her.

* * *

When they get back from the steakhouse, Anna politely but hurriedly walks straight up to her room. The dinner was almost too much for her to handle, and she really needs a moment to herself. With a definitive yet gentle closing of her door, she finally feels the quiet she's been aching for all night.

This is so... _stupid._ Six months ago, she was this bright, talkative girl with an older sister she looked up to and admired, and a future set in stone. Now, she can't even remember the last time she had a genuine conversation with anyone that _wasn't_ said older sister. Who, yes, she still looked up to, but that admiration had mutated. And as for her future? Well there's nothing she can really do about that now.

She dresses back down into sweatpants and an old shirt, and even though she doesn't need to go to sleep for another couple of hours, she wants to lay in bed anyway. Lay in bed and close her eyes so she can shut the world out. Shut out the string of lights with the pictures of her childhood clipped onto them. Shut out the Bible verses stickied onto her full-body mirror. Shut out the present Elsa got her from Ghana that she's yet to open. Shut out everything.

But she doesn't get a lot of time to do that. A few minutes later, she hears a knock, _their_ knock, on her door. And she says softly, "Come in." She can't- no, she _won't_ shut Elsa out no matter what.

Her door opens and closes, and Elsa walks over to her bed and lays right next to her. Anna gives her one of her pillows to lay her head on, and they both look up at the ceiling fan. She's dressed and ready for bed too, in the same outfit she was wearing earlier that day.

Neither of them says anything at first, there's a strange feeling of both content and apprehensiveness between them. At least that's what it feels like to Anna, letting more anxiety in when she wonders how Elsa's feeling. After maybe a minute, Elsa is the first to speak.

"You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to. Just know that I'm here for you."

_For now._ Those are the implicated words. Anna knows that she won't be home forever, just until after Christmas Break. And then she'll be at Saint John's for the rest of the semester and won't be home until Anna's graduation. But she's here now and, as messed up as it sounds, if there's anyone that she can really talk to about this, it's her sister.

Except if she speaks, she may no longer have a sister. So Anna just nods and says, "I know."

"I love you. You know that, right?"

All too much. And it hurts that those words hurt. She can't take them in like a normal sister should anymore. They're like a knife in her gut that Anna's twisting to make the pain worse, and when she looks over to Elsa, she's got this genuine, heartwarming... heart-wrenching smile on her face. And she twists the knife even more when she replies, "I love you too."

It comforts Elsa. She came here to comfort her little sister and instead she's the one that gets the reassurance. When Elsa turns away from her, looking back at the ceiling, she asks, "Do you want me to go?"

Anna thinks for a second and goes against her instinct.

"...no."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Final fic submission of 2020. Maybe, idk I might get bored on New Year's Eve and fuck around and do a one-shot. Who knows? How'd the year treat, y'all? I hope you found at least one bright spot in this dumpster fire on rusty wheels. As always, stay safe and we'll get through this together, and the angst is just beginning for our poor Anna here. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I've decided to start putting relevant Bible verses at the end of any chapters that have them (thanks to a helpful review on AO3). Not trying to be preachy, just making sure you know I'm not pulling verses out of my ass.

* * *

The trouble began six months ago.

St. Joseph's is only a two-hour drive from their house, so even though the physical distance lingers, Elsa and Anna never felt _that_ far away from each other. Especially since they always had their Sunday brunch to look forward to. Any time Elsa isn't busy with schoolwork and Anna didn't need to volunteer for the preschool ministry, they would always meet each other halfway at this nice, cozy diner called _Oaken's Hearth and Home._ Anna always ordered a ham and cheese omelette, Elsa always ordered a monte cristo. And they would catch up on anything and everything, even if they'd last seen each other merely a week ago.

"What was your sermon about this week?" Anna asked on this particular Sunday brunch.

Elsa placed her utensils neatly on her finished plate and wiped her mouth with a cloth napkin. By the time they got to the diner they were both usually starving, so they made a rule to not talk about anything until after they ate. With the mouth-stuffing and water-drinking out of the way, Anna could finally get to the Elsa-talking, her favorite part of brunch. "It was about the danger of coveting money and stuff, and how we should only store our treasures in heaven," she replied.

"Book of Matthew," Anna added proudly, remembering the stack of notes she had about the Sermon on the Mount.

"Mmhmm." Elsa leaned back in her chair and smirked, "Funny how the pastor's started a series on generosity a week after talking about needing money to renovate the church's coffee bar."

"Ugh, that's the worst," Anna grumbled. "I really don't understand why you keep going to that church, Elsa. It just...I don't know, the place doesn't sit right with me."

Elsa nodded soberly, "Yeah, I feel the same way. Look, once I do my mission trip then I'll find somewhere else to go. But right now they're sponsoring me to go and Ghana's too good of an opportunity to pass up."

Anna's all too used to her sister's need to never inconvenience anyone, but she still frowns at her reasoning. "You know Hillside would help you if you asked. Pastor Tom loves you."

Elsa shook her head, "I haven't been a regular there for, what, four years? I can't take that kind of opportunity from someone else. Besides, once I sell a few more snowmen I'll hit my fundraising goal."

One of her older sister's humble yet incredible talents was her ability as an artist. Whenever Anna got bored, she would flip through Elsa's sketchbooks she left in her room, admiring her intricate designs and feelings of wonder and calmness that her winter motif brought. In order to match the amount of money her church was offering for her mission trip, she was selling sketches of personalized snowmen that looked like their patrons. Anna had one of her own, except it looked more like the snowmen they used to build when they were kids. They named him Olaf. Elsa wouldn't accept her payment, so Anna snuck it in her wallet when she wasn't looking.

"Well...I trust you," Anna said. "I just don't want you stuck somewhere you don't wanna be."

"Right now, I'm exactly where I want to be." Elsa tapped the tip of Anna's nose and smiled. "And that's with you."

Suppressing the sudden urge to sneeze, Anna stuck her tongue out and said, "Blegh. What kind of weirdo likes hanging out with their sister all the time?"

"Oh please, you love hanging out with me too. How many times have you left a voicemail on my phone saying…" Elsa placed her phone to her ear and spoke using her best Anna impression. "Elsaaaaaa, I miss youuuuuu!"

Anna gasped, her cheeks immediately turning red, "I do _not_ sound like that!"

Elsa grinned, "I've been working on my Anna impression for years, you definitely sound like that."

"Ugh, well fine then I guess I'll stop sending you voicemails. Maybe I'll just stop talking to you altogether."

"You wouldn't do that."

"Yeah you're right, I'd never do that," Anna responded, stubbornly admitting defeat.

"So, what'd Tom talk about this week?" Elsa asked, bringing them back to the original subject.

Anna was quick to reply. Every time she was deeply interested by a sermon, she couldn't wait to tell Elsa about it. "About love. We've been doing a four-week series on the different kinds of love and today he talked about the romantic kind. We'll be talking about agape love next week."

"A series on love. Almost two months after Valentine's Day." Elsa shook her head amused. "I swear that man loves purposefully doing topical sermons way after they're relevant."

"I appreciate this one, though. I don't know, there's just something fascinating about love. All kinds of love, really, but especially eros: the romantic kind. Of course he talked about when he first met his wife, and you know how much I love that story. And then when he talked about how important it was to find the right partner, I just...honestly I can't remember a last time a sermon gripped me like this."

"Aww! I'm so happy for you, Anna. I'm glad you were able to get so much out of it." Elsa reached over and squeezed her hand, beaming at her like the proud older sister she always was.

"Yeah…"

And then, it happened. The moment that started the stunningly quick shift in her thinking, her feelings, her emotions. The catalyst. On this particular Sunday brunch, Anna asked something that would take her down a path that should never have been found.

"Have you ever been in love, Elsa?"

Her sister looked surprised, hand still on top of Anna's, and she went silent trying to remember any experiences with this foreign feeling. Foreign to Anna, anyways. After a few more seconds, Elsa shook her head. "No, I...I don't think I have."

"Me neither, or at least I don't think so," Anna replied. "What do you think it's like?"

"Didn't Tom talk about it today?" Elsa asked, not in a way that felt like she was dodging the question, but in a way that said she was curious.

"He used 1 Corinthians 13 to talk about what love should be like, and how our partner should fit all the things that love is, but he never really said what it felt like to be _in_ love." Anna placed her elbow on the table, faintly hearing her mother's lecturing off in the distance, and rested her head on her hand. "How do you know if you love someone?" she pondered.

"Well, I've always heard that it's something that you just... _know_. Which doesn't help all that much, but I think that means it's different for everyone. It's a feeling that you get, kinda like the whole 'butterflies in your stomach' thing when you have a crush on someone. But stronger."

"Okay but a lot of things are stronger than butterflies."

Elsa smiled, "You know what I mean."

Anna closed her eyes and whined, "But I doooooon't." It sounded exactly like Elsa's impression of her. Since she posed the question, she knew that this would bug her until she got an answer.

And Elsa knew this too, which is why she said, "Okay, then let's look at our parents. You know that look mother gives father when he says a really bad pun? That one where she's trying not to laugh because that'll encourage him?"

"Mmhmm."

"And you know the way father smiles when we're driving back from church and mother holds his hand on the steering wheel?"

"Of course." Although admittedly, half the time she's asleep on the drive back.

"Well, I think that's what it is. Not a look, but the way they make you feel. Like...you can't imagine spending time with anyone else but them, and how all the big and little things about them make you happy. Does that make sense?"

It did, but it also didn't. Because even if she understood all of Elsa's words, Anna didn't have the frame of reference to understand the feeling.

* * *

The trouble continued later that night when Anna was tagged in a post on Facebook by her mother.

It was a picture that Anna took with Elsa while they were out at brunch. She sent it to their mother, who posted it with the caption: "My two blessed daughters! Where did the time go?!"

It's nothing too assuming, just Elsa sticking her tongue out at her with Anna trying to look at her with mock disgust. But she saw it, saw on her own face what Elsa was talking about. That look of pure happiness, which said that even though she thought Elsa was being gross at that moment, she couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

But maybe that was just a coincidence, she probably smiled like that with everyone. So, she scrolled through the pictures on her phone, trying to find evidence that this was normal for her.

She found a picture of her and Rapunzel getting ice cream, where she was trying to "steal" her cup while Rapunzel was looking away. The mischief in her eyes was very apparent, but while she was definitely having fun in the picture, she wasn't exactly...blissful. This made her sound like a terrible friend, so she kept scrolling.

Ah, she found a picture with her parents and Elsa when they went to an Elevation Worship concert. It's taken literally right after they got into the arena, their mother got someone to take a picture of them altogether. She and Elsa are standing on either side of their parents, and her father's arm is around Anna's shoulder. The smile Anna had is the one she was looking for, it's bright and happy, and Elsa's in it too but her parents are there as a barrier.

Wait no, there is no barrier. There shouldn't _be_ a barrier. This is a perfectly fine and wholesome moment with her family. Which means that maybe she loves her family that much, that's all.

But then she goes to the next picture, and it's a candid one. Well, candid for her but a selfie of their parents when they picked up her phone while she wasn't looking. She still kept the picture once she got her phone back because of the goofy faces they were making, but she just now realized what was going on in the background. The picture's angled in a way that she can't see Elsa, but she can see herself.

And she's got that smile, her father's steering wheel smile. A look of pure admiration, with her head resting on her hand completely engrossed in whatever Elsa was telling her.

She wasn't aware of the camera on her when this picture was taken, which meant that her look was as genuine as they came.

Anna stopped scrolling after that as the floodgates opened in her mind. Questions, thoughts, and concerns completely overtook her as she closed her eyes and fought them off. It took her an hour to fall asleep.

* * *

She fully acknowledged the trouble three weeks later.

It was Spring Break for her, and while everyone else in her school had plans to go hiking, visit relatives across the country, or apply for jobs when the school year ended, Anna wanted nothing more than to spend her week with her sister at St. Joseph's. Elsa already had her Spring Break, which she had to spend holed up in her dorm so that she could catch up on all her homework, and this was the first time they'd see each other in almost a month.

Those...strange thoughts never came back after that night, so Anna chalked it up as just a bad dream or a moment of confusion. She felt determined that this week with her sister wouldn't be difficult emotionally.

And, for the most part, she was right. She interacted well enough with Elsa's college friends and got a personal tour of the campus (one that definitely beat the official tour she took a few months before), and when Elsa was in class Anna spent that time ruining her Netflix algorithm. Getting fast food on campus got a little boring though, and she couldn't wait to go back home and have actual food. But that was the only reason she _wanted_ to go back home, her week at St. Joseph's was great.

And then Friday came.

It was her last night on campus, and Anna spent it accompanying Elsa to her Bible study. There were a lot of people, but everyone seemed friendly and welcoming, and they spent the first half-hour talking about the highs and lows of their week. The actual lesson was about how God stopped the sun so that Joshua could continue to fight his enemies, and Anna was eager to answer any questions about this because it was one of her favorite stories. But she kept them to herself, figuring that she was just an observer right now and they didn't want to hear from some high schooler.

When it ended, most of the people left to get started on their weekend, but Elsa and Anna stayed behind. This guy named Adam, with who Elsa seemed to be very...friendly with, brought out his guitar and began to play. They all sang along to popular worship songs and cheesy pop tunes, and then someone mentioned that Elsa should sing something.

"Did they know you can sing?" Anna asked her afterward.

"Adam did, but...oh gosh, he probably told them. Ugh," Elsa replied.

Coaxed by everyone in the room, including Anna, she agreed to sing one song. And she would get to pick.

Anna sat on the couch, watching her sister scroll through her phone intently, and finally she handed the phone off to Adam and asked, "Can you play this?"

He nodded, and began to strum a soft, familiar chord progression. Then again, all these songs were in the same key so of course it felt familiar. Anna didn't really know what the song was until Elsa started singing.

 _I know there's something in the wake of your smile  
_ _I get a notion from the look in your eyes  
_ _You've built a love but that love falls apart  
_ _Your little piece of Heaven turns too dark_

It was an old song, one that their mother would have on repeat while she was cleaning, but it's one that they unironically grew to love. Every time _Listen to Your Heart_ showed up on her playlist, they would dramatically sing along and air guitar so hard they almost smacked each other in their face. Every memory of this song was hilarious, lighthearted, and fun...except for this one.

This one was terrifying.

She smiled through it all, despite her heart dropping into the pit of her stomach like heavy butterflies. Because while she watched her sister soothe her audience with her Broadway-quality voice, tucking her hair behind her ears as she looked at her phone to get the lyrics right, one thing became abundantly clear. She now knew what it meant to be in love.

* * *

 _Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud._ _It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..._ (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Honestly, I can't wait to finally get to the good stuff. All this prelude is agony...to wait. Get it? Like the song? From the hit 2013 movie Frozen?

* * *

Of course Anna's been trying to fight these feelings ever since. Not only does she remind herself of how sick and twisted they are, but she buries herself into the Word in order to accomplish some peace of mind. Her prayers are frequent and frantic, she can't even begin to count how many times she's tried surrendering these thoughts up to God.

But nothing seems to work. One way or another the thoughts come back and pick away at her defenses. It's left her feeling tired, helpless, unworthy...and at Hillside it's even worse.

Hillside Church is one of those medium-sized, non-denominational churches. It's located at the top of an incline on the other side of a popular hill in Copper Springs- hence the name- and is built off the foundation of an old high school. The auditorium was refurbished into the main sanctuary, the cafeteria had walls put in to separate it into rooms for the children's ministry, and everything was repainted in calming colors of teal and white. It's large enough that trying to find parking is a struggle at any service time but small enough that you still knew most of the people on a first-name basis.

And up until recently, that wasn't such a bad thing for Anna.

It's Sunday again. Anna's sitting at the end of the row next to Elsa, and she's listening to Pastor Tom speak while feeling like everyone is looking at her. On the other side of the room, Ella and Ariel scribble notes in their large notebooks while their coffee cups and Hydroflasks lay by their feet. Sully is in the back with the rest of the worship team, probably huddled in front of a Switch playing a few rounds of Smash. Rapunzel and her family go to the service after this, so she's not here yet. And Hans is probably in the lobby talking to the other young staff members.

Meanwhile, Anna's skin prickles underneath her light-purple flannel with the fear of being exposed as the fake Christian. The one who doesn't trust God enough to rid her of her attraction to the girl right next to her.

And what's even worse is, from the parts she's able to focus on, this sermon is all about the woman at the well, shunned by her village.

"You see Jesus looked past her sin," Pastor Tom preaches. "He didn't care about who she was, but who she could be. And that's true for all of us."

Anna wishes she could believe that, but she knows that shunning is more likely in her future than welcoming. There _has_ to be a line that Jesus draws somewhere, right? And she believes she's crossed it.

She takes notes for this sermon that focus more on easing her spirit than they do on strengthening her knowledge. And for the rest of the morning, she plays the part of the quiet unassuming girl respectfully going through the motions of a typical Sunday service. She takes communion, places a couple of dollars in the offering box, and sings the songs soft enough so she won't stand out, but loud enough to drown out the voice telling her how much of a hypocrite she is.

And finally, the service ends.

There's a little bit of downtime before the next one starts, but most of the 10 AM crowd rushes out to beat the traffic and go out for breakfast. Anna wants to be one of those people, or at least she wants to step outside so she can get some fresh air, but her family drove here together, and right now her parents are talking to Pastor Tom about something. Probably about Elsa, or the upcoming Harvest Festival.

So, she stays near her seat with her hand gripping the armrest, watching everyone else go out the auditorium doors. But hey, at least Elsa's with her.

"Still think it was a good idea not to take my car?" Elsa asks with a smirk, nudging her head towards the spirited conversation their parents are having. She embraces Sunday mornings as a time for her to dress up, and today she went with a lavender dress that went just below the knees and had thin shoulder straps.

Anna tries to make her smile just as convincing as she slings her purse onto her shoulder, "Maybe. But I know Tom's gonna want to talk to you too. About the mission trip and all that."

Elsa frowns, "Right. Well, I'll try to make it quick. Or I'll just tell him to schedule a time when we can talk, I've got a lot of time."

"Pssh, lucky." The heat's becoming too difficult to do nothing about. It feels like someone is pressing a heating pad on to her neck. She needs to get out. There are going to be too many people out front, but she knows that the basketball courts should be relatively empty. All she needs is-

"Hey, you know what? Let's get out of here before Tom can talk to me. I'll message him later," Elsa says.

Thank God for Elsa.

Although, a part of her feels guilty knowing that she also kind of wants to be away from her too. She can't say that, obviously, so instead she asks, "Where do you wanna go?"

"Basketball courts," she answers. "Where else?"

"Sounds great," Anna replies. Her sister takes her by the hand to lead them out of here, and Anna curses herself for how sweaty her palms are. And for how her breath catches in her throat. She follows more than she walks, focusing more on silencing every thought that comes to her. Them holding hands at church isn't that big of a deal to anyone since they've spent their whole lives here. Everyone knows who Anna and Elsa are, the inseparable sibling duo.

They step outside of the auditorium and into the lobby, but that's as far as they make it before someone calls out to her.

"Anna! Wait up!"

She turns around, instinctively letting go of Elsa's hand, and faces the guy walking towards her.

"Hans?" she asks. "What's up?"

It looks like he's also the type that enjoys dressing up on Sundays as he stands in front of her in his polished brown shoes, khakis, and emerald dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He usually doesn't talk to her much outside of Bible study, and this is the first time he's actually tried to grab her attention.

"Hey, I just uh...wanted to check how you were doing. You left kind of quickly after Bible study." Hans has a way of making everyone comfortable around him, one smile and a kind word and all your insecurities are momentarily gone.

It only works somewhat on Anna, who's now worried about Elsa hearing about her near freakout earlier in the week. "Yeah, I had a lot to do that night," she lies. "I had to get home as soon as possible."

He nods, "Ah, makes sense. But everything's alright now?"

Not even close, but she continues the lie. "Yeah, everything's settled. But I really have to go, so…"

Hans' eyes widen when he realizes that he must have been interrupting something. He looks guilty for even existing right now. "Oh, I am _so_ sorry. Don't let me keep you, I just...you're coming again on Wednesday, right?"

Honestly, she kind of doesn't want to, she only started going because her parents said it would look good for St. Joseph's if she spent her free time doing more of the Lord's work. Weeks later and the study's continued to be just another Wednesday night for her, she really doesn't get anything out of it. But there's no excuse she can come up with that will be convincing enough to let her stay home. Her parents already scheduled around dinner time on Wednesday so she could go, and Elsa would definitely get the truth out of her if she stayed home. Or at least part of the truth.

So, she puts on that fake smile she's too grossly accustomed to and replies, "Of course."

"Awesome." Hans pats her arm, and in a lower, more serious voice he adds, "And I'll keep praying for you."

He leaves out the front door, and maybe two seconds pass until Elsa's arm is around her shoulders and she's asking, "So...who's _Hans_?"

There's so much implication in that question, Anna can't roll her eyes hard enough. "He leads my Bible study," she replies unamused. "And no."

Elsa giggles, "I didn't say anything."

"Well, I heard it. Can we go now, please?"

* * *

September weather is a lovely prelude to the most beautiful season. The dying embers of summer are slowly being snuffed out, and the autumn chill is sneaking its way through the trees. It's Anna's favorite season.

It used to be summer since she loved the freedom of it, and because Elsa was home for three months, but she grew to love autumn more because, in her words, it's underrated and needs more support.

A yellow leaf flutters past the sisters as they sit next to each other on the small metal bleachers. The basketball courts are empty save for a few kids on the other side playing a poorly officiated pickup game. Elsa's posture is prim and proper, hands folded across her lap and her legs tightly pressed together. Anna slouches, letting her elbows rest on her knees and hands dangle.

Elsa closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, smiling as she does so. "I really missed this place. Hillside, I mean. The churches near St. Joseph's are...well, they're _okay_ , but there really is no place like home."

Anna gets that, Hillside really has been their second home all this time. They were baptized here- once as a baby and again while they were both in high school- went through literally every room in the children's ministry, went to church camp as bunkmates and then as counselors, and their parents even renewed their vows here. Elsa's always said she wants to get married here too, and Anna...well, she never thought about it.

Guess that should have been a sign too.

She wonders for a second if maybe her feelings are just admiration. She's looked up to her older sister for her entire life, and it would make sense that she could mix that feeling up with infatuation. After all, everything about Elsa just screams "Role Model", and whenever she was having trouble Elsa was the first one she'd go to. Well, God first and then her when Anna wanted a second opinion. It's perfectly natural for a younger sister to admire their older sister.

But the way her heart clenches when she sees Elsa smile tells her that it's _not_ just admiration.

Anna presses her hands against her forearms, "Well, not a lot's changed since the last time you were here. I mean they finally fixed the flickering light in the first-grade room, but other than that."

"Ugh finally, it's been like...what, three months now?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"Gosh, so annoying."

"Yeah, it is."

She hates this. The outside air is good at cooling her body down, but it does nothing to calm her mind. The consequence for feeling the way she does is that she can't have a normal conversation with Elsa anymore, not for too long at least. And it's only a matter of time before her sister picks up on this.

"Anna, what's going on?"

It looks like that time is now.

Elsa asks with concern, not accusation. Of course Elsa not only knows what to say but how to say it; hard to believe this is the same girl that used to take speech classes in elementary school.

"What do you mean?" Anna asks dumbly.

"You haven't been acting like yourself ever since I came back," Elsa explains. "I talked to mother and father, and they haven't noticed anything different. But you know you can't fool me."

"I'm not _trying_ to fool anyone," she responds, which is as blatant a confession as any.

"I know you're not. I'm sorry, that was selfish of me to think that. It's just that you've always told me when something was wrong, and it- I mean what's changed, Anna?"

Everything. Everything's changed and it frustrates her so much that she can't say anything because Elsa _is_ the one she goes to when something's wrong. But she can't this time, and no matter what she does or what she says, nothing changes and she has to carry this burden and do...what with it? Let it go? Oh, if only it was that easy. Embrace it? That shouldn't even be an option. Repress it? There's no way she can do that for so long without pushing Elsa away even more.

Anna digs her fingers into her arms and mutters, "I...need to figure this out alone, okay?"

"So there _is_ something wrong." Elsa scoots closer, which heats up her skin that took so long to cool down. "If you're in trouble, that's not something you should face alone. Don't do what I did my first year at St. Joseph's."

"I know I'm not supposed to." She takes a very uneasy breath. "But this thing is different."

"Different or not, we can figure this out together-"

Anna turns to her and yells, "This isn't helping, Elsa! And I know you think you know better because you went to therapy, but you don't know what _this_ feels like so can you..." Anna stops herself because she knows she's gone too far.

And it gets quiet, uncomfortably and agonizingly quiet. Elsa sits up, utterly shocked but mostly hurt as if those words cut straight through her heart. Anna's never yelled at her before, even when they were kids and would fight over who got the last Oreo. This is definitely different, and it's not a good different. How utterly tragic is it that a moment of solitude ends up adding to an eternity of regret?

Which is what Anna feels immediately. She wipes the sickening anger off her face and hopes her guilty frown is enough to show Elsa that she didn't mean to snap at her like this. It doesn't seem to have any effect though, she's clearly struck a nerve in Elsa that she was never supposed to even get near. She knows those therapy sessions used to be a sore subject for Elsa, and to throw it in her face like this...

This isn't how you're supposed to treat the people you claim to love, and especially not the ones you've deranged yourself into believing you're in love with.

It's not words that break the silence, but rather the vibrating of Elsa's phone. She takes it out of her purse and says, "It's mother. We're going home." She puts her phone back and steps off the bleachers.

Anna finally finds her voice again and says, "Elsa wait…"

But Elsa continues to walk away in silence, not looking back to see if her sister is following her. Anna watches as she brings a hand to her face, wiping possible tears away. She waits a couple more seconds before getting off the bleachers too, giving Elsa as much space as possible. And giving herself time to stir in shame for the pain she's caused.

* * *

 _The woman said, "I know that Messiah is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."_ (John 4:25)

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

"Forgiveness," Hans says after he writes the word on the board. "Can you imagine?"

He pauses for a second to see if the Hamilton reference is a hit with the study, but everyone looks at him with a blank expression. Anna understands the reference but doesn't feel like speaking up.

Hans clears his throat and continues his lesson." We think it's this thing that we have to earn, but just like Pastor Tom taught us on Sunday, we've had it this whole time."

This time, the Bible study comes alive somewhat and nods in agreement, Anna hears Ariel mutter an "Mmhmm". She herself continues to sit quietly in her chair, her notebook open to a blank page. She's here physically, but her mind is still at those bleachers. It was...hard getting here, but maybe it would be better to be here than standing in front of Elsa's door finding the courage to knock.

No, she knows she shouldn't be here. There's nothing she can get out of this Bible study that she doesn't already know and nothing that anyone can say tonight that she needs to hear.

Hans looks her way for the sixth time that night, but it's the first time their eyes actually meet. He looks away immediately and continues his point, "Remember, he...Jesus already knows our deepest fears and secrets. Our insecurities. The things we hide from everyone, including ourselves. Yet he still loves us."

Yeah, she's definitely not getting anything from this. In fact, his words are actually frustrating because they're things that everyone in this room has heard a million times before. What difference will it make hearing it one more time?

"There is no such thing as the unforgivable."

That's ridiculous.

Everyone in the room turns to look at Anna, some like Rapunzel look especially surprised. Anna wonders what's going on, thinking maybe there's someone behind her or she let out a burp without knowing it. And then the realization hits. Her arms are crossed, her face is set in an eternal frown because of the fractured relationship with her sister, and she's just rudely interrupted the entire study by saying her stupid thought out loud.

Hans saves her somewhat by not missing a beat, "Anna, is there something you want to add?" If he's angry, he's doing a good job of not showing it.

But Anna...gosh she's already put her foot in her mouth once this week. Does she really want to do it again? No, of course not. It's best that she makes up some lame excuse and apologize, and then never say anything again for the rest of the night.

She shakes her head, "N-no, sorry I...I've got nothing. Nothing to say."

Hans doesn't budge, though, and he gives her his full attention. "Nonsense, we all have a voice here. And this study isn't supposed to be me talking for an hour. I encourage interaction, and I want your feedback. And I can't speak for everyone, but I know _I'd_ loveto hear what you have to say."

Anna wants to continue protesting, but it's clear through Hans' body language that he won't continue until she says something. Of course she doesn't want to cause a scene, but at the same time these last few days have been _really_ frustrating.

It's all her fault, of course. Elsa holes herself up in her room most of the day, and during dinner they can barely look at each other. Plus, she has an appointment coming up with her guidance counselor, and even though they have a good relationship, she doesn't appreciate the added stress. And then there's the Harvest Festival coming up, and for some odd reason, her mother's been really pushy about her finding someone to go with. Like on a date. Even though she likes spending that time volunteering for the church so the kids there can have a good time.

And she received a response from St. Joseph's saying they want to admit her, but they need an essay from her first about where God is calling her. Which is going to be difficult because she's terrible at writing essays, and God's been _really_ quiet for a while now and that brings things back to the first point about-

Yeah, maybe she should say something.

Anna takes a breath, counterproductive with how she tenses up immediately after beginning to speak. "Well, I...it _is_ ridiculous. I mean _nothing_ is unforgivable? _Everything_ is on an equal level of being pardoned? That sounds to me like we're putting things like cheating on a test on the same level as murder, rape, and all these other horrible things people do to each other because they _can_. And that's not even touching the _thoughts_ that people have like every day, stuff that goes completely against everything Jesus taught us. Those are forgivable too? There's no line drawn? And if you wanna argue human desire, then wouldn't it be so much easier for God to just... _not_ let us have those desires? What's the point of free will if we're going to use it to be sick degenerates who _only_ look out for ourselves and think and do horrible things and...I...I forgot where I was going with this. But that's what I've got. And I'm sorry. Again. I'm just gonna shut up now."

Again, Hans takes this development in stride. He nods when Anna finishes speaking, almost looking like he's proud of what he's heard. "Thank you, Anna," he replies. "I'm so glad that you shared your thoughts." And it sounds like he means it.

He retakes command of the study in no time at all, and Anna doesn't make a noise until she's asked for her prayer request. "Unspoken," she says once again.

The walk back to her car is lonely and cold, but also needed. She didn't want to stick around in case anyone wanted to say something to her and so she left the room immediately. The night breeze nudges her forward with each step, reminding her that she shouldn't have forgotten her jacket. But it's okay, she'll be able to warm herself up in her car and get away from this place very soon.

"Anna, hold up!"

Or so she thinks.

Eerily reminiscent of their encounter on Sunday, Anna turns around to see Hans jogging towards her.

"Glad I caught you," he says when he's right in front of her.

Sensing this is about her outburst, Anna's quick to say, "Look I'm sorry for what I said back there. It was rude, I didn't mean it."

He shakes his head, "No, actually I think it was very brave for you to say what you did. It's so easy to be a believer and accept things as they are, but it takes real strength to raise questions like yours. I think it helps strengthen your faith, honestly."

"Oh. Well, uh...thanks." Anna turns to leave, but she feels Hans place his hand on her forearm. He doesn't hold her back, but her general politeness keeps her from taking a step forward anyway. When she turns back around, she sees an emotion on the typically calm and collected Hans' face that she never thought was possible: nervousness.

"But-but hey, I wouldn't be doing my job if I left you hanging with those questions," he says. "And besides, Peter says- I mean he tells us that we should always be prepared to defend our faith. Let me- I mean I would love to talk to you. About your faith and all that, and ease some of your doubts. One-on-one, I mean. Just name a time when you're free. And a place."

Anna's tired, exhausted really. The exhaustion lay dormant in her throughout the Bible study, but it finally started creeping up her body toward the end. She's got school tomorrow. And Elsa goes to bed in an hourish, and maybe she'll have the guts to at least say goodnight to her.

This...Hans is a new development. She obviously suspects ulterior motives from his invitation, and it's best that she doesn't make her life any more complicated than it already is. Politely declining is the right move here.

"I've got time after school tomorrow," she answers instead.

* * *

They end up meeting at a coffee shop next to Hillside. It's a popular hangout place for a lot of the church staff, and the brick walls, wooden furniture, and lo-fi background music give it a very laid back feel.

Anna comes here right after school, so she hasn't even changed out of her uniform. Rapunzel was obviously intrigued at this new development and encouraged her to go home first and change into something "cuter", but Anna told her that this meeting isn't like that. It's...well, she doesn't know what it is. Of course she was going to say no to Hans' invitation, but then she had a thought that maybe this would be good for her. Maybe he can somehow help her get past these feelings so she can stop being a constant mess of a person.

It still doesn't keep her from feeling ridiculous in her white school polo and black skirt.

Hans arrives ten minutes after she does, wearing an emerald-green sweater and dark blue jeans. His hair is combed and gelled up, the same way he wears it on Sunday mornings.

Anna can't help but think of how jealous Ariel must be right now, and also how...unaffected she herself feels. Not that he isn't attractive, but there's this overall feeling of nothingness when she thinks about Hans. It disappoints Anna, she was really hoping to have the same feeling she gets when she looks at Elsa on Sunday mornings.

"Hey, sorry if I've kept you waiting," he says, sitting on the empty chair of the small table in the corner that Anna's chosen.

"Don't worry about it," she replies with a wave of her hand, "I just got here too."

"Oh good." Hans puts his notebook on the table and flashes her a warm, familiar smile, "So, how do you want to start?"

Anna takes her backpack off the table and asks, "Uh what do you mean?"

"I wrote your questions down- well as best I could remember- and spent the day going through them, so we can go straight into that. Or, if you want to, we can have just a regular conversation first and ease into it. Totally up to you, I'm fine either way."

It's up to her. If this is really _just_ about talking theoretical shop, then they should get straight to her doubts and concerns from yesterday. But if this is something else, if she wants to make it something else, then getting to know Hans is the better choice. Maybe her attraction to Elsa is due to a lack of experience, sure she didn't really feel anything for Hans right now but maybe that could change.

Maybe _she_ could change.

"Sure, let's talk," Anna replies, ignoring the urgent nagging in the back of her foolish mind.

And so, she learns more about Hans, the twenty-one-year-old St. Joseph's alumni with a Bachelor's in Theology. His father's an Elder at the church (which she already knew because he would always make rude remarks about her whenever she wore shorts), and he was recently hired by Hillside to be their Assistant Young Adults Coordinator. Which basically means he gets paid to, in his words, "teach high schoolers not to be jerks".

"I love my job, though, don't get me wrong," he explains as he sips the large coffee he ordered earlier. "I'm hoping it leads to a Youth Pastor job down the line. That's what I really want to do."

"Have you had any luck?"

He shakes his head, "Nothing that pays, at least. But this is where God's calling me, so I won't give up."

Ah, there's something Anna knew she needed an answer to. She taps her hand against the table, "How...do you know that? How do you know what God's saying?"

His eyebrows raise with intrigue, the same way Elsa's do when she asks her about the Book of Esther, and he leans back in his chair. "Ah, that's a _very_ good question. He's been silent with you for a while, hasn't he?"

Anna bites her lip, "How can you tell?"

Hans draws a circle around his eye with his finger, "I've seen that look before. Many times. And every time, I always give people the same advice."

"And what's that?"

"You're looking for an answer, right? Maybe it isn't that God's not giving you an answer, maybe it's just that you're asking the wrong question. We'll never know how he actually works, but he'll never leave his children lost in the darkness."

What if she deserves to be lost in the darkness? That's what Anna wants to ask, but it doesn't feel like something she wants to share with Hans. And besides, what kind of answer would she be looking for?

They transition smoothly from there into discussing Anna's questions from last night. Even though Hans is telling her answers she already knows, she admires his knowledge and how easily he explains such abstract concepts. He's definitely got the looks and brain of a Youth Pastor, and she starts to understand why girls like Ariel are attracted to him.

But after all is said and done- and she realizes that they've been talking for three hours- Anna can't say she's attracted to him in the same way. Sure, he's sweet and good-looking but it doesn't _do_ anything to her and it's so freaking frustrating that it doesn't. It's whatever though, she thinks, because it's not like Hans likes her in that way anyway.

And then he asks the question.

"Hey, are you seeing anyone?"

It still takes her by surprise even if she's kind of expecting it. After all, he's moved closer since they first started talking and he praises her for the simplest of answers. "Uh, no I'm not," she confesses. "Why?"

Hans' uncharacteristic nervousness comes back, and he lets out an unconvincing cough. "Ah, n-nothing I was just curious."

"I feel like you're more than just curious."

"Very observant," he says, accompanied by nervous laughter. "Okay, well...this might sound crazy but I've kinda had a thing for you ever since you joined the Bible study. I know it's really unprofessional, and the age difference might probably put you off, but would you- could we- I mean do you want to go out sometime?"

The age difference doesn't put her off (after all, he's the same age as Elsa), but it will definitely have people talking. Except there's nothing to talk about, or at least there won't be. And never will be. Anna's not attracted to him and that's that. She has no romantic feelings towards him, and even though that could change she really shouldn't take the chance. Even _if_ in some twisted, roundabout way he could make her feel normal…

It'll be harsh turning him down, but it's what she needs to do. Anna looks him in his eyes, looks past his nervous yet hopeful smile, and says:

"Sure. That sounds fun."

* * *

_But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have._ (1 Peter 3:15)

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I can hear you typing your disgust right away, but I just want to remind you that Anna is eighteen years old. So her dating a twenty-one year old is still sketch but not illegal. Unless your disgust is because she's dating Hans...which is fair. I don't particularly like it either.


	7. Chapter 7

On Friday, Anna and Hans meet at the same coffee shop and pick up where their conversation left off the day before. She learns that he's the youngest of _thirteen_ and is the only one left that lives in the family home with their father.

On Saturday, they go to get ice cream. Hans learns that she can't get brain freeze and that her favorite flavor is rocky road. She loves the little marshmallows.

On Sunday, everyone in Hillside knows that they're a "thing".

They wanted to keep their relationship on the low-key for a little bit while they figured things out, but apparently one of the staff members saw a text Anna sent him and, well, word travels fast in their little community. Privacy only exists at Hillside if you're careful, and gossip and rumors are a hot commodity second only to tithes.

Anna knows their secret is out when she sees the quick glances her way, hears the whispered utterances of her name, and _feels_ the particularly nasty glare from Elder Westerguard. Hans apologizes for letting it slip by texting her a rose with a message saying _"Forgive me?"_ She responds with, _"Fine, but you owe me a cookie."_ Later that week, he surprises her with a whole box of them. The ones with M&M's instead of chocolate chips, her favorite kind.

Rapunzel, of course, is ecstatic about this new development. And during lunch the next day, she's already buzzing with the prospect of double dates.

"Gosh, this really came out of nowhere," Rapunzel says to her after furiously typing another date idea into her phone. "I didn't even know you had a thing for him."

"Yeah, it was a surprise to me too," Anna replies, hiding the nervousness in her laughter.

Her friend gasps, "Wait, was _this_ what you meant when you were talking about wanting something you shouldn't?"

Anna blinks, "Uh…"

Rapunzel throws her hands up in the air, "Of course! It doesn't feel right because he's like three years older than you, right? So, you thought that maybe it was wrong ethically or something like that."

"Y-yeah that sounds about right." Anna digs herself deeper into this hole with another lie. She doesn't feel wrong dating Hans- well, his age isn't the reason it feels wrong. The more she gets to know him, the more Anna realizes how great of a guy is. Sure he's maybe a little too...excited about them going out now, but if that's the only downside, then for all intents and purposes he's a perfect gentleman and a great boyfriend.

It's just that Anna doesn't see him as her boyfriend yet. In their texts, Hans calls her "babe" and "sweetie", in return she calls him "dude" or "Hans". He thinks it's endearing, but Anna's doing this because she doesn't see him the way that he sees her.

_Yet_. That's what she tells herself. She doesn't see him like that _yet_. And it's only been a week, less than that even, so she has no doubts that can change. She just has to keep reminding herself of how great he is, and how good he is to her.

"Look, there's _nothing_ wrong with liking older guys," Rapunzel continues. "I mean Eugene's twenty, and sure it was a little awkward at first but we got through it. You and Hans will go through the same thing, and you'll come out just fine."

"Oh. Great." Anna has to remind herself to keep smiling so Rapunzel doesn't suspect something's wrong. Although her friend is so excited, she probably wouldn't even notice if Anna's hair was on fire.

"Ooh, I just remembered there's a carnival coming here soon!" Rapunzel types that idea into her phone and adds without looking, "Also, fair warning, your parents probably won't like it when you tell them about Hans."

* * *

Actually, they do. During dinner that night, she formally tells them about Hans and their reactions are overwhelmingly positive, especially her mother's.

"Oh I'm so happy!" Her mother says while putting her hands above her own heart. "My little girl's finally found a man!"

Anna brushes off the poor word choice and sighs, "Mother, it's really not that big of a deal."

"Yes it _is,_ it's such a big, wonderful, fantastic deal. Oh, I was getting so worried you were never going to find someone." Did she forget Anna's only eighteen? "And he's a man of God, too!"

"Hans...he works with the youth ministry, right? Leads the Bible study you go to?" Her father asks.

Mentally wincing at the different ways this conversation can go, Anna's hesitant with her answer. "Yeah, same guy."

Her father nods, "I've spoken with his father before. He seems like a good influence." And that ends his brief contribution to this conversation.

The rest of is Anna fielding questions from her mother that gradually get more embarrassing. As for Elsa...she's been as silent during this dinner as she has since Anna blew up on her.

But that changes later in the night.

Anna's sitting at her computer table, a blanket draped over her shoulders while she stares at more than does the math homework she's fallen behind on. On the nightstand by her bed, her Bluetooth speaker plays _God Only Knows_ while she sings along under her breath. Hans has just texted her goodnight because he has a long day tomorrow. He ends his text with a blue heart emoji, she responds with a blushing smiley face.

And breaking the carefully crafted comfort is a knock on her door.

Anna's both excited and anxious when she hears the knock because she already knows who it is. But she's not about to shut her out even more. "Come in," she says, turning in her chair so she's facing the door.

Elsa walks in and closes the door, smiling like she's relieved that she's allowed to come inside. Even though it wasn't her that did anything wrong. Her purple tank top and gray shorts show that she's all ready for bed. "Hey," she says.

"Hey," Anna says back.

"You busy?"

She is, but...it's Elsa. How can she say no to Elsa? Her heart still does that thing where it stops beating when she's near her, but it's now accompanied by this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt that she obviously can't mention to Elsa who's now sitting on her bed. "No, not really," Anna replies.

Elsa tilts her head, and her smile falters just a little bit. "I can see the math on your laptop screen. I can come back if you need to get it done."

"Don't worry about it, it's not due tomorrow." Which is technically true, it was due last week. "Uh hey, before you say anything else I...I'm really sorry. For yelling at you. It wasn't right, and I know you were just looking out for me and I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I hate being the reason you're upset."

"Don't worry about it," Elsa repeats, although Anna can tell it's still upsetting her. She can always tell when Elsa's upset. "It's my fault for trying to push you into talking about something that's too sore for you to talk about. I'm- I should know better than that."

Anna stands up and sits on the bed next to her. "No, I'm not letting you take the blame for my screw-up. All you were trying to do was make sure I was okay. That's what good big sisters do. And you're the best."

That makes Elsa's smile wider again, and of course their close proximity is making Anna feel very warm, and she can't pretend it's because of the blanket. She ignores it, hoping that she can stay normal enough to keep this purely a sisterly interaction. It's a losing battle, especially when Elsa rests her head on her shoulder and she forgets how to breathe. "I try," Elsa says softly.

"You do more than try," Anna says in the same way, and against better judgment, she rests her head on Elsa's. Her hair smells like eucalyptus.

"So...Hans."

Oh boy.

Anna groans, "Do we _have_ to talk about this?"

"I wouldn't be doing my job as a big sister if I didn't ask you about him," Elsa reasons. She pats her hand and sits back up. "Don't worry, I'll keep my opinion of him to myself."

"That means you don't like him," Anna pouts, but is also confused as to why she cares about that. After all, she barely likes Hans in that way yet.

"No, that just means that I think he's…" Elsa looks up, searching for the right word before settling on: "...interesting."

Anna rolls her eyes, "That's Mom Speak for 'I don't like him'."

"Hey, at the end of the day all that matters is if _you_ like him." Elsa nudges her with her shoulder. "You've always had a good judge of character, so if you can trust him then...I can learn to trust him too."

"It's the age thing, right? You're uncomfortable because I'm dating you- your age. Someone your age. Right?"

Finally Elsa confesses, "Erm, yeah that's part of it. The other part is like...I don't know, from what I could tell, you didn't seem all that into him. What changed?"

That's a good question. That's a good, valid, reasonable, understandable question. Anna racks her brain, hoping to find an answer that sounds convincing to Elsa _and_ to herself. She falls back on her bed, folds her hands on top of her stomach, and sighs. She hopes it sounds more like a "He's so dreamy" kind of breath rather than an "I made a mistake" kind. Because she _didn't_ make a mistake, this relationship will help her in the long run.

It needs to…

"I guess I judged him too quickly," Anna says. "He's smart and caring, and his eyes are nice. Obviously he's got a solid grasp on theology which is a major plus, and uh...I don't know, I just feel good about him."

"Hmm." Elsa lays down too and turns to look at her sister. "You'll be safe, right?"

"Pssh, of course."

"And if he tries anything…"

"I'll punch him right in the nose." Anna throws her fist up, showing off the worst punching form ever.

Elsa giggles, "Well, that _or_ you come to me."

"And you'll punch him in the nose?"

Elsa shrugs, "Sure. You know I'd do anything for you."

Anna turns to look at her and realizes they're much closer than she was expecting. Inches apart, shoulders touching, their faces separated by the length of a pillow. A small pillow. She takes in the curve of Elsa's lips, the deep blue of her eyes, the faint freckles across her cheeks. It makes her look so peaceful, like a guardian angel comforting their assigned human.

Well maybe that's it, Anna wonders, maybe she's mistaking attraction for gratitude. Elsa's always had her back no matter what. She remembers when they were on the playground in elementary school, and Anna was pushed off the swings by this older boy. In a flash, Elsa came to her rescue and actually _did_ punch him in the nose. She got detention for that and was sent to her room right after dinner, but Anna slipped her a thank-you-drawing underneath her door. It was of Elsa dressed like a superhero, cape and all, and on the top of the page in big letters, it read **SUPER ELSA.**

It _could_ just be gratitude that Anna's feeling...but she knows it isn't. Not when they're this close, and all she can really think about is how much she wants to lean forward and kiss her.

Would Elsa mind?

Would she kiss her back?

No, she'd probably be disgusted and never want to talk to her again. And then their parents would find out and kick her out of the house. And then she'd be all alone on the streets, succumbing herself to the fate of cold nights on the asphalt, a heart tattered and scarred, and a head full of mistakes.

Elsa looks concerned like she can see what she's thinking, "Anna, what's wrong?"

"Huh?" she says, finding it hard to make a sound.

"You're crying."

Anna wipes her thumb across her eye, and it confirms the tears. She must have visualized that scenario a little too hard. "Oh, that's embarrassing," she says with a pained smile.

"Are you okay?" Elsa asks, replacing Anna's thumb with her own. Anna wishes she didn't do that.

"Yeah no it's probably just stress," Anna half-lies. "School's getting a little hard, that's all."

Elsa frowns and then sits up, scooting further onto the bed. When she crosses her legs, she pats her lap and says "Come here."

Anna's confusion turns into apprehension when she figures out what her sister is asking her to do. But saying no could push Elsa away again, and she refuses to do any more damage to their sisterly relationship. She maneuvers herself so that she's laying fully on her bed, with her head in Elsa's lap. It's warm and comforting, neither of those being things she deserves if Elsa knew what she was thinking. That thought, of course, produces more tears and now she worries about staining her sister's shorts.

But Elsa is oblivious to all of this. She strokes Anna's hair and coos, "You're going to be alright. I've got you."

Anna hears her phone buzz on her desk, it's most likely Hans but she doesn't have the emotional energy right now to answer it. She should say something, _anything_ , that can give her sister some glimpse into what she's dealing with. Every time something was wrong, Elsa was the first person she'd go to, and yes this time she's part of what's wrong but…

No.

She's trapped.

Trapped in the loving arms of her sister, trapped in the attraction that hasn't gone away yet, and trapped in this downward spiral that hasn't stopped yet. And so she does the only thing she can do right now.

She lets the tears fall, doesn't even try to control them, and mutters to herself, "I don't deserve you." Maybe Elsa hears, maybe she doesn't. It doesn't really matter right now, even though she knows it's true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In this case, the song God Only Knows is by for KING & COUNTRY, not the Beach Boys.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C/W: Mentions of homophobic teachings
> 
> This one might hurt a little.

* * *

Double dates are supposed to be low-stress situations, or at least that's what Rapunzel tells Anna. But right now, stressed is all Anna's feeling. Tonight is her first double date, she has Hans of course and Rapunzel is bringing the "love of her life" Eugene. And together they're all going to the carnival that's in town. What better place to have your first double date than a place with lots of open space, fun things to do, and places to sneak away for a moment to steal a chaste kiss with your significant other.

Kiss...she almost kissed Elsa the other night.

It's 7:30 PM on a Friday, the two couples have just stepped onto the carnival grounds. Eighties rock plays through the crackly speakers, Rapunzel jumps onto Eugene's back, and Hans holds Anna's hand to guide them through the sea of people.

They're all packed together, smiling faces and loud noises. Anna wonders what Elsa's doing right now, probably sitting in the living room finishing off the potato chips they bought last week and watching a horror movie because she's weird like that. But it's an endearing weird, a cute weird. Cute like her in a thin tank top and-

Hans! She's on a date with Hans! She snaps out of her horrid trance and focuses on _Hans._

He's definitely dressed up tonight to show off his own physique. He has on tight gray jeans and an athletic top that wraps around his upper body to show off his admittedly impressive muscles. In his free hand, he's holding a jacket that Anna will most likely have to borrow at some point tonight because she forgot to bring one.

Because she herself decided on jeggings and a bright pink shirt on a cold autumn night. Her hair flops down in an uncombed mess along her shoulders. Hans still calls her beautiful.

They finally break out of the crowd and find themselves near the food court. "Where to first?" Anna asks, hoping that speaking and engaging herself in the here and now will help get her mind off of Elsa and her stunning body.

"Well, _this_ one wants me to win her a stuffed horse," Eugene says while nudging his head towards Rapunzel. "So, we can try doing that first."

Rapunzel punches her fist in the air and exclaims, "Onward, trusty steed!"

The couple takes off towards the game booths. Hans turns to Anna and asks, "Is that okay with you? Or do you wanna go do something else?"

There's something in his voice that makes Anna believe he wants to spend some time alone with her, but she's feeling iffy about it even though they've already spent so much alone time together. She needs Rapunzel as a buffer, even if it just means she's near her. She shrugs, trying to look nonchalant, "Sure, I've got enough money to lose on rigged carnival games."

Hans smirks, "So optimistic. Alright, let's catch up."

Anna takes his hand and lets him lead again, because that's what she's supposed to do. Right? That has to be proper date etiquette, she's supposed to let her man take the lead and court her, while she enjoys spending time with him and definitely _not_ thinking about kissing her sister. She thought that she knew how to act on a date, but she's either forgotten how or is second-guessing every decision she's making tonight. Or both.

The games take place underneath wooden booths barely held together by duct tape and rusty nails. They're the standard carnival fare, including the one game where you toss ping pong balls into fishbowls. Anna always wondered where they got the fish, it couldn't have been an entirely legal process. They find the other couple in front of a large wall of barely inflated balloons, Rapunzel looks admiringly at Eugene who has five darts in his hand.

"I believe in you babe," Rapunzel says as she gives him some space and stands next to Anna. "You've got this."

"Don't poke your eye out," Anna comments, feeling more at ease when Rapunzel hooks her arm around hers.

"Pssh, that's not happening. I played darts all the time at the orphanage." He inspects the tip of one of the red darts and adds, "It was a weird orphanage."

Amidst the sounds of bottles crashing and bells dinging, he lines up his first shot and throws it hard against the wall. It pops a balloon and sticks to the wall with a satisfying thud. Rapunzel yelps in excitement and bounces on her toes as he repeats the action with the same result. Anna looks up at Hans, who's still holding her hand. His eyes scan the carnival grounds as if he's looking for something, or maybe he's already bored of her company. Is she not trying hard enough to be a good date?

"What's up?" she asks right as Eugene throws his third dart and hits a third balloon.

"I'm trying to find a game here that I can probably win," Hans explains. He stops looking and catches her eye with a cheeky grin, "I want to impress you."

"I appreciate your honesty, " Anna replies, thankful that he's not regretting this. "You're sweet, but you don't have to do that."

"I know, I want to. Rapunzel's getting a horse, so what do you want? What's your favorite animal?"

Eugene pops his fourth balloon, and Rapunzel interjects on her behalf, "Penguins! She loves penguins!"

Hans nods, "Alright, then I'm going to find you a penguin."

Anna's attention is pulled away when Rapunzel whispers in her ear, "Guys love impressing their dates. It's a confidence thing."

She assumes that's right, considering how Hans has gone back to looking at the other booths and how Eugene's face is stoic as he lines up his last shot. And she also remembers Elsa telling her about how Adam almost dropped her after picking her up to show how strong he was.

Which, honestly, it's not that hard to pick up Elsa. She's done it multiple times, typically to dunk her into a pool. The last time she'd done so was at a pool party two summers ago, she remembers Elsa wearing a modest two-piece bathing suit and wrapping her arms around her waist, falling backward into the pool. Her body hasn't changed much since then, save for-

Her thoughts are interrupted by Rapunzel's squeal as Eugene pops his fifth and final balloon. She unhooks her arm from Anna's and runs over to her boyfriend, kissing him as the booth runner grabs a stuffed horse from the top of the shelf.

Hans claps for the balloon assassin, and Anna joins him because it seems like the natural thing to do. She reminds herself again of where she is, who she's with, and what she can't be thinking about. "Well done," Hans says as the couple walks back towards them with a new friend in tow.

Eugene does an exaggerated bow and says, "Thank you, the secret is to throw the dart _really_ hard."

"I'll make sure to keep that in mind. But right now…" Hans turns to Anna and says confidently, " _I_ have a penguin to win."

Hans lets go of her hand and walks determinedly towards wherever he was looking at. Rapunzel and Eugene bring up the rear, although they're not in much of a rush to keep up with them. And even though Anna's keeping pace with her boyfriend, she can't help but feel caught in the middle of everyone.

He stops in front of a long board of lights with a bell at the very top. A father holds a large mallet in his hands as his kids cheer him on. He brings the mallet down with an overhead swing against a padded platform. A loud thwack accompanies a metal weight traveling up the board, setting off the lights as it tries to climb its way to the top. Anna knows this game, it's the main attraction at every carnival to test your strength.

Which seems to be Hans' plan as he steps forward and cracks his knuckles. The metal weight barely makes it halfway up the board before falling back down. The father shrugs and walks away with his kids.

"Oh gosh, please don't hurt yourself," Anna says to Hans.

"Don't worry, I used to work at a lumber mill in the summers. And axes are pretty close to mallets." He raises his hand to get the carnival staff's attention. Anna watches as Hans grabs the mallet, his biceps flexing as he holds it in his hands. She has to trust that he'll be okay because the guilt she'll feel if he gets hurt on her behalf would be brutal.

That's why she once again remarks, "Be careful!"

Hans lines up his swing by having the mallet head hover over the platform. He turns for a second to look back at Anna and winks. "Always," he says before raising the mallet above his head. One hand is near the head, the other is at the end of the handle, and he uses both to bring the mallet back down.

After another loud thwack, the weight travels up the board like a rocket taking flight. Higher and higher it goes, brighter and brighter the board becomes. The momentum ceases to ease up until it gets near the top, and then it climbs up those last few inches.

The bell's louder than Anna's expecting.

Hans raises the mallet in victory, and Anna claps because he's clearly enjoying himself and it feels like the right response. He hands the mallet back to the carnival staff and points at the stuffed penguin on the middle shelf. When he walks back to her with it, he's got so much pride on his face. Like he's truly happy to have won this for Anna.

"I don't think they have anything bigger than this," he says holding the penguin out to her with one hand. "If I find one, though, I'll make sure to get it."

He's so thoughtful and selfless, thinking less about the victory and more about whether the prize is big enough or not. Anna's tentative to take the penguin, thinking that Hans should have it since he won it. But then she remembers that this is a confidence thing, gift-giving is something guys like doing apparently. And maybe she's not the best date in the world, but she should at least be predictable.

She takes the penguin and hugs it tight, the soft material feels nice in her arms. "Thank you so much," she says with a grateful smile, hoping it's enough in return.

"Ah, I've always wanted to do this anyway," Hans replies, nailing the nonchalant thing better than she ever can.

And she looks at him, _really_ looks at him. Looks at his toned physique and how cool he looks with his hands in his pockets. Looks at the way his face glows like an angel from the carnival lights. Looks at his smile, his hair, his jawline, his amber-brown eyes. Looks at it all in the hopes that _something_ gives her that spark, that tightness in her stomach.

And though she smiles, she feels the farthest from happiness as the thing she already knows continues to sink in. Like a dart drilling further into her chest.

* * *

Rapunzel and Eugene take their time catching up to them, and the double date continues afterward. They decide on trying out a couple of the rides before getting something to eat, settling on bumper cars and that tower that shoots you up in the air and bounces you around. Here, it was called the "Tower of Terrur". When Anna comments on the odd spelling, the staff told her that the "u" used to be an "o", but it got damaged during transport one day and they never got around to fixing it.

Anna volunteers to be the driver for her and Hans' car, and frankly it's kind of amusing watching him lose his cool as she takes sharp turns and continuously rams into Rapunzel and Eugene's car. She's always a careful driver on the road- and careful about everything else too- but when she's given the chance to let loose, she takes it. And she isn't about to pass on an opportunity to be a total menace without consequences.

Both attractions help in getting her mind out of the gutter for once that night. However, the tower also had the added "bonus" of making her scream her head off. It wasn't the rapid ascent that freaked her out, but how high they actually got. From the ground it doesn't look that high, but when you're up there and you can't feel the floor anymore, and all you can hear is the wind rushing into your ears, it messes with you.

Anna gripped her harness as if she'd fall off if she didn't, and out of a survival instinct she reached over with her other hand to hold Hans'. His smile was a little wider when they got off the ride.

Dinner for tonight consisted of deep-fried food with a side of food that was cooked deep inside a fryer. And soda, which thankfully wasn't fried. Rapunzel and Eugene tell cute stories about their past dates, and Hans speaks a little bit about working at Hillside and- despite Rapunzel's persuading- not confirming any gossip about the staff. Anna, once again, takes on more of the role of listener, laughing and commenting when appropriate but not advancing the conversation much herself.

She'd like to be more of a participant, but too many thoughts started pouring into her mind now that she had settled in for the first time that night. Most of them, of course, having to do with Elsa. And also about how unfair it is for Hans to be here on a date with someone that isn't entirely _here_.

When he and Eugene step away for a second to throw away their trash and get some more drinks, Rapunzel rests her head against her own hand and looks at her knowingly. "You two are _so_ cute together," she says to Anna.

"You can tell?" Anna asks, hoping her friend will tell her how.

"Totally! You're looking at each other all the time, and you're always so close to him. And oh my gosh the way he _smiles_ at you? I'd be so jealous if I didn't have my own man."

Anna wants to ask how she's smiling at Hans, but doesn't know how to say it without sounding like a fraud. "Well, he is nice to be around," she decides on saying.

If Rapunzel finds that wording suspicious, then she doesn't show it. "I'm just...gah, I'm so excited for you! We've known each other for years now, and I _never_ saw you interested in a guy before. I was getting a little worried."

"Worried I'd never find someone like Hans?"

"Well, that and…" Rapunzel looks uneasy when she shrugs, "...you know."

It doesn't take long for Anna to understand the implication. "Were you worried that I was gay?"

"I…" Rapunzel sighs, "Maybe a little? I'm sorry, I know that I'm your friend and I should _never_ be thinking those things without talking to you first. It's just that it kinda felt like the signs were pointing there. And I know that's a horrible thing to think of, and again I'm _so_ sorry."

"Well, I'm not gay," Anna responds, feeling like she's saying that to herself as much as she is to her friend. She's...well she can't be gay. She's on a date with Hans, a guy. A cute guy. And it's the right thing to do. Yet her uncertainty gets the better of her and she finds herself asking, "But would it be so bad if I _was_?"

Rapunzel blinks, taken aback at a question she's clearly never expected Anna to ask. "N-no! I mean of course not! Gay people are great, and I respect them. Maybe not so much their choices, but they're still human beings and we should all love them like God loves us. If you were gay, I'd still be your friend. It's just...easier that you aren't? Please don't put me on the spot like this, Anna."

Anna wants to be offended, but she can't. For one, she has no right to be because she's _not_ gay and can't be offended on behalf of a whole group of people she's not a part of. And also because Rapunzel's only saying what they've been taught. Elders, teachers, guest speakers at Chapel, even their own parents have told them how to "love" gay people in a way that doesn't tamper with their faith. If she was in Rapunzel's spot, maybe she'd be saying the same things. And be just as uncomfortable.

She shakes her head, "I'm sorry, that wasn't cool of me to do that. Don't worry, I forgive you. Maybe let's just not talk about this again?"

Rapunzel breathes a sigh of relief, "Agreed. Thanks, Anna, you're the best."

"Ah well...you know me."

* * *

Hans and Eugene return shortly afterward, and after another short conversation, they agree to end the night at the Ferris wheel. After waiting an awfully long time in line, they finally make it to the front.

Each cage only holds two people. Rapunzel remarks on how romantic this will be and Eugene jokes that he and Hans should sit together. After settling in, the large wheel once again begins its ascent. The initial jolt up startles Anna, and once again she instinctively grabs Hans' hand.

"Nervous?" he asks.

"No," she lies. "Okay maybe. I might kinda sorta be a little bit afraid of heights."

His eyes widen, "What? Why didn't you say something when we were going to the tower?"

"Because I didn't want to disappoint you guys. Look it's okay, I just have to make sure I don't look down, that's all." It helps a little bit that the wheel does a lot of stops and starts, getting her acclimated to the change in elevation. And to be honest, seeing the city from this view isn't an opportunity she'd want to waste.

Up this high, everything seems so small. She can barely make out the silhouette of Hillside from here, but only because she knows exactly where it is. Streetlights illuminate the dark outlines of the roads and buildings like fireflies, and she can see the full expanse of the forest her family went camping in back when Elsa was in high school and she was in middle school.

Anna was really into bugs that time for some reason, and she and Elsa walked all over those woods turning over rocks and looking inside tree trunks to find as many bugs as they could. It was a wonder they didn't get lost.

She wonders what Elsa's doing right now.

"Hey, then just look at me and I'll help you through it."

Anna blinks, remembering where she is, and turns to Hans. She smiles and says, "Okay."

It's easy to trust Hans, easy to look into his eyes as they travel higher. She still knows that they're up high inside a cage that moves too much for her liking, but part of her knows she'll be safe. The other part of her is left to continue fending off pestering thoughts.

Hans is looking at her too, and he looks much more relaxed. Not that he was tense before, but now that they're truly alone like this, his demeanor changes. It's a drop in his shoulders, a lowering of his tone, a glint in his eyes that keep looking down at her lips. She knows what he wants, but he's enough of a gentleman to ask first. "What would you do if I kissed you right now?" he says softly.

In a rare bit of honesty today, Anna replies, "I don't know. I've never been kissed before."

He looks genuinely surprised. "Never?"

Anna nods, a blush settling on her face, "Is that bad? Don't girls have their first kiss way earlier?"

"No, it varies from person to person. There's no shame in never being kissed before, I'm just surprised. After all, you're beautiful and sweet, your faith is strong, and you're so easy to be around. It's a shame no guy has ever been with you yet."

She laughs, letting out even more of her nerves, "Yeah well…"

"So, would it be okay if I kissed you?"

That's...a lot to think about. And it really shouldn't be. Hans is a sweet, charming guy who really likes her. Except he shouldn't. Tonight, Hans should be here with someone that isn't trying hard to feel something for him. But instead, he's with a girl who's trying desperately to rid herself of the affection she has for her own sister.

Her sister.

Elsa.

She thinks about her face, her eyes, her body, what it might be like to kiss _her_. What it would be like if this wasn't her trial of faith. What it would be like if Hans _was_ her.

And then she isn't thinking.

She's moving. Forward. Closing the gap between her and Hans, pausing for just a moment, and then pressing her face onto his. It's messy, uncoordinated, and she's pretty sure her teeth bruise the inside of her lip. After being taken by surprise, Hans is quick to reciprocate and thankfully take the lead. Because she knows she's doing this kissing thing wrong.

And she knows that kissing Hans is wrong. But it's a wrong that erases another wrong, and that means it's right. It has to be.

His lips taste like Vaseline.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I made a playlist for this fic on Spotify btw. I'm not even gonna bother linking it in the FFnet version because that site's so weird with links, so I'll just put it here. Don't worry, it's spoiler-free. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7A72k9SBVOuLNpGlMZS8O7?si=VWO5ngKRSqiXQnG1FK83Jg
> 
> Mmkay, back to the incest angst.

* * *

After the carnival, Anna's relationship with Hans becomes much more physical.

Before that, holding hands and snuggling was the most intimate they got, and Anna only snuggled up to him when he asked. In fact the only time she's ever initiated any sort of public display of affection was on the Ferris wheel. But now...

His kisses are intense and rough. Not painful, but her lips do get so sore after each makeout session, which have gradually grown longer and riskier. They only kiss in his car now, after dates and even in the parking lot at Hillside. He says that no one's going to catch them, but Anna's not so sure of that. She still goes along with it though, because that's what good girlfriends do. His hands, firm and commanding, have been in her hair, on her cheeks, and along her neck. But never any lower, he cites the Scripture after every prolonged kiss, saying this is as far as they can go without getting married.

It's not that weird to hear him talk about marriage so early on in their relationship, after all Anna's been around that kind of talk most of her life. Her father proposed to her mother after less than a year of dating, Rapunzel's shown her pictures of engagement rings she loves ("Just in case!"), and her mother's coaxed her and Elsa to take one of Hillside's marriage classes ever since Anna turned eighteen.

She makes no promises to Hans, even changes the subject when he brings up the word "marriage", and it's easy to inadvertently say no to that for now. It's...it's the kissing she can't get over.

As much as she wants it to, it never gets easier kissing him. And it doesn't feel like _enough_ when she's with him. Not in an intimate sense, but in a romantic sense.

When she holds him, there's no warmth. His arms feel like a blanket thrown around her haphazardly. When he speaks of how much he means to her, the words never reach her heart. When they kiss, there are no sparks. She wants to rid herself of the guilt that their relationship is built on a lie by staying with him, to _find_ that spark, but it hasn't come yet which makes her feel guiltier.

It doesn't feel right leading him on like this, and it's best that she ends the relationship before things go too far. But today, that's the least of her worries.

Today, she has to meet with her guidance counselor.

She never did get around to finishing that homework the night that she cried in Elsa's lap, neither did she finish the other assignments due. And now her grades have slipped enough to the point that it warrants being called to his office.

Most of the time, she's fine with meeting Mr. Mattias- in fact sometimes she looks forward to visiting him. He's very kind and wise, talks in that way that makes you feel at ease and confident, like you'd march into battle with him if he asked. But this isn't going to be a courtesy visit, she's never been called to his office for disciplinary reasons.

And as Anna takes a deep breath and knocks on his wooden door- right below the plaque that reads _Dr. Destin Mattias-_ she wonders how much of this meeting will feel like their other ones.

He opens the door with textbook punctuality and smiles at his student (he doesn't teach any of Anna's classes, but she's always felt a student-teacher bond with him). "Anna! So wonderful to see you again! Please come in."

Anna smiles back at him. "Thanks, Mr. Mattias," she says as she steps inside his homely, comfortable office.

It's exactly like she remembers. The lack of light save for the golden glow of his desk lamp doesn't bother her much anymore, although she still wonders how he's able to get any work done in a place without any sunlight- heck, without any _windows._ The family portraits on his desk are the same too save for a new one of his daughter in a soccer uniform holding a medal with a toothy grin. She settles into her favorite part of his couch, laying one of her legs on the cushions and keeping the other on the floor.

"Did you hear back from St. Joseph's yet?" he asks, sitting back in his office chair.

She nods, "I got past the preliminaries and I need to do the essay next."

Mr. Mattias raises an eyebrow, "Strange. I figured that given your academic record, they would have admitted you outright."

"Yeah well, I guess not." Anna's glad he doesn't bring up that Elsa- one of his past students- was admitted to St. Joseph's a week after sending in her application. "It's okay though, I...like the challenge."

The aging black man chuckles, "You don't sound all that convinced."

"No? Mmkay let me try again." Anna clears her throat and speaks with a comically low and gruff voice, "I'm gonna crush this essay with my bare hands, Mr. Mattias. I'll punch my keyboard and write a beautiful thingie, and I'm going to be the best student that St. Joseph's ever seen."

He laughs louder this time, and so does Anna. It feels good to, well, feel good. If only for a moment.

"Ah, I'm going to miss you, Anna," he says.

"Aww, come on there's still like nine months left in the semester. Don't get too sappy on me yet."

"Fair enough, but only because I have another appointment right after yours anyway." He taps on his keyboard and looks at his screen wearily. "You know why I called you here, right?"

Now Anna's wishing they stayed with the sappy stuff for a little while longer. Of course, one way or another Mr. Mattias was going to get to the point. He's a fairly direct person and was never afraid to show some tough love even to his favorite students. Anna concedes with a sigh, "It's about the homework, right?"

"Partially about that, yes." He leans forward and clicks his mouse a couple of times. "But it's...well, I've gotten a few reports from your teachers. Lack of focus in class, low test scores, it says here you almost spilled acid on your lab partner?"

Anna cringes, "I...yeah, I knocked over a test tube."

"Now remember, all these reports don't come from a place of judgment. Your teachers are worried about you, and so am I. You are and always have been a bright student, and it's surprising to see you struggle like this. Is there anything that we should be concerned about?"

Oh absolutely, but it's not something she can't talk about it with Mr. Mattias no matter how much she trusts him. Her lack of concentration has been killing her. She knows that her performance in school is directly tied with her newfound feelings for her sister, she's spent more time in class pushing down her thoughts instead of being mentally present and it shows. And of course her new relationship with Hans isn't helping.

Which is a horrible thought to have about her supportive, caring, slightly-too-aggressive-at-kissing boyfriend.

Mr. Mattias is expecting an answer, and his Master's in Counseling Psychology means he'll know if she's deflecting, and that'll get them nowhere. Chances are she'll be back here again soon if she does that, which will erode their relationship if she keeps going to his office for disciplinary purposes. Anna feels like she has no choice but to do something she's getting a little too good at: warping the truth.

"It's Elsa," she vaguely confesses. "I was so worried about her while she was on her mission trip, and that just...r-really messed up my concentration. And now she's back and it's been a while since she's been home for such a long period of time, so I've been spending as much time with her as possible until she goes back to college. It's- I mean that...I guess I haven't been prioritizing right."

She gets a sympathetic frown, and it seems like her pitiful truth warping works. "Elsa means a lot to you, doesn't she?" Mr. Mattias asks, and she's not expecting that question to hit her quite so hard.

It's like someone is simultaneously gripping and warming up her heart.

"Of course, she's my sister," Anna replies, keeping her face neutral. And then, realizing that reaction might be too weird, she switches to a smile. But not too big of a smile so as to not seem suspicious. This shouldn't be that hard…

Mr. Mattias nods, oblivious to her inner turmoil, "I understand, you and Elsa have always been very close. I remember when you two were just little girls running around the sanctuary back when Hillside was still at the warehouse. Gosh, that feels like a lifetime ago." He looks up to reminisce for a little while longer, and then looks back at her with a confident nod, "Okay, I'll notify your teachers and tell them that you're dealing with personal issues and that they shouldn't pry. You should be able to finish the rest of your late assignments without being called back to my office."

Anna lets out a sigh of relief and smiles wide at the completely unexpected save from her counselor. She was bracing herself for reprimand, maybe even a mark on her permanent record, certainly not a reprieve and cover story for her teachers. Of course, he doesn't know how much of a cover he's giving her. "Mr. Mattias, you are _amazing_."

He gives her a humble smile, "I need you to promise me one thing, though."

She nods hard enough to almost give her a headache, "Of course! Anything!"

"Don't let relationships be a hindrance to you. Not even with your sister. If God allows it, you'll both be going to the same university soon anyway, and you know she's always going to want the best for you. If that means spending less time with her, then maybe that's what you need to do." He leans forward and places his hands on his table, his face grows more serious but not condemning. "Focus, put your head down, and make it to the finish line, alright? You're almost there."

Anna wants to joke and say that spending less time with Elsa is impossible since they live under the same roof, but now isn't the time. Because a question has invaded and perverted her thoughts in a way she's never expected.

Has she turned Elsa into an idol?

It's the cardinal sin of all Christians to put any god before God, whether that be a symbol, money, or...or even a person. It's possible that her affection, her disgusting infatuation, has dragged her down more than she knows.

"I understand," she says, a little bit of her despair slipping through her words.

"And don't let Hans distract you from your studies either," he adds, further reiterating the point that everyone from Hillside knows about them. But Anna's head and heart are too heavy to register anything else from this meeting.

* * *

It's...tough getting through the rest of the day, but somehow she gets through it.

On the drive home, Hans messages her to ask if she wants to spend some time at his apartment but right now she just wants nothing more than to lie in her bed and shut everything out for a little bit. She responds with something about doing homework and then turns off her phone.

And yes, she knows that Mr. Mattias never actually said she was idolizing her sister, neither did he imply it. This is a revelation she's come to all by herself, and it fits the situation too much for her to ignore. So, she accepts it as truth, even if it doesn't help much. Just because you admit you're colorblind doesn't mean you can finally see colors.

The drive back is long, aggravated by road work and a mindless wrong turn, but she inevitably makes it home. Her body feels heavy and sluggish, like she's been awake for three days, and every whisper that pierces her mind travels down and tears at her insides. She opens the front door, determined to go straight to her room and not leave until dinner time.

But Elsa's there.

Not by the door, but in the living room sitting in front of the TV. The sound of the front door opening gets her attention and she peeks over the top of the couch, her smile growing wide when she realizes it's her little sister.

"Hey, come here!"

Anna should say no, she needs to say no. She shouldn't keep putting offerings at the altar. But Elsa's looking at her eagerly, innocent to this all, and to disappoint her right now would hurt Anna's already bruised heart. She blinks and forces a small smile, hoping that their current distance doesn't give away that something's wrong, and she walks to Elsa.

With each step her heart aches even more and her mind screams at her to just go upstairs, but soon she's right in front of Elsa. With only a couch separating them.

Elsa's turned her body completely to lean on the back of the couch, and Anna's standing with her hands gripping the sling of her backpack tightly.

"What's up?" Anna asks, hoping it sounds chipper and upbeat.

"Nothing much, just about to watch a movie. You wanna join me?" Elsa isn't commenting on anything particular about her, which means Anna must be doing well at hiding her anguish. And she asks if she wants to join her, doesn't tell her.

It's an out. This means Anna can say no if she needs to-and she _desperately_ needs to. But Elsa's smiling at her, happiness in her eyes not that different from a labrador greeting their returning owner. Oh wonderful, now she's comparing her sister to a dog. And she's making excuses to keep from saying no.

Again, she decides to go with warping the truth. "I'd love to, but I...I'm really tired and I kinda just wanna lie down. Today was a long day."

That gets the textbook older sister concern on Elsa's face to appear. "Oh no, that's not good. Anything I can do?" Because of course her first instinct is to want to help.

Anna shakes her head, "No, it's okay. Like I said, I...lying down will help."

Elsa tilts her head, "Then why not lie down here then? I can make space on the couch, and I'll get your blanket from upstairs too."

There's that warmth/grip combination on her heart again. "Elsa…" she says softly.

After hearing her name, Elsa's off the couch in a second and walking towards Anna. "Here, let me take your bag. You sit down, and I'll be right back, okay?"

Elsa's fingers make soft, fleeting contact with Anna's shoulder as she takes the backpack off and holds it with both of her hands. And just as suddenly, Elsa's jogging up the stairs, leaving Anna with little choice but to comply and sit down on the couch. Not that she wanted to say no, anyway.

She stares blankly at the Netflix home page until she hears the sounds of Elsa's hurried footsteps down the stairs. With urgency, the older sister rushes back into the living room with Anna's blanket in one hand and her pillow in the other. "Here," she says as she places the pillow on top of Anna's head, "I know the armrest is a little too stiff for you."

Anna takes the pillow off her head and places it on the couch, "Thanks...for that." She considers for a moment to put the pillow next to where Elsa's lap will be but puts it against the armrest instead.

She lies down as Elsa sits back on the couch. "I'll put something on that'll help you sleep."

"I thought you were gonna watch a movie," Anna says.

"I can do both," Elsa replies with an amused grin. She squeezes Anna's ankle and says, "You just rest. Don't worry about me."

It's unfair how soothing and caring Elsa can be without even trying. She typically doesn't do big, grand gestures like Anna, with Elsa the care comes from the little things. Grabbing blankets, hand squeezes, soft yet kind words. And before you know it, those little things begin to add up and become the one thing that Elsa knows how to do better than anyone: love.

Anna just wishes that love wasn't misplaced.

"Elsa?" she says without thinking.

"Yeah sis?"

The heaviness she's been feeling presses further down, keeping her from even lifting her head to see Elsa's smile. The same smile that always made her knew she would be okay, the smile that would comfort her when she felt this low. The person she'd always come to for help can't help her this time, and yet she's still trying to without being asked.

That's why Anna loves her.

That's why Anna's in love with her.

That's why Anna can't have her.

She rolls over onto her side, gripping the underside of her pillow so tight that can feel her fingernails digging into her palm. Before the tears can fall onto her pillow, she shuts her eyes. She says to Elsa, "Thank you."

"Always," Elsa replies. "Anything for you."

* * *

 _Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry._ (Colossians 3:5)

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Don't know if this warrants a content warning since y'all knew what you were getting into when you clicked on this fic, but this chapter is going to be especially theology-heavy. Lotta God talk in this one, lotta Scripture references. If that makes you uncomfortable in any way, then I'm sorry but Anna's going through a lot and she kinda needs this.
> 
> Reminder, I make no formal stance for or against Christianity. I'm just trying to tell a story.

* * *

Anna doesn't like moping. Especially when it comes to things that she can control. She's always taken sad stuff in stride, even as a kid, and she doesn't like that this attraction is getting in the way of that. So yes, maybe her feelings for Elsa haven't gone away yet, but to idolize her is something she refuses to do. And something she can definitely change.

But after scouring Google and looking through her notes and assignments, the question of whether or not she's turned her sister into an idol still remains unanswered. She needed another perspective. Elsa was an easy first choice to talk to, but Anna's trying not to spend so much time with her like Mr. Mattias said. Even though it hurts to not be around her sister, Anna _does_ need to keep her focus on school if she wants to finish the semester strong.

Her parents are automatically out because she knows they're going to pry too much. Pastor Tom is her third choice, but he's probably too busy to answer such a silly question. Which means she has no one else to turn to but Hans.

Which is an awful thought to have about her boyfriend, obviously, but he's been really pushy lately about spending some "alone time" and it's exhausting for Anna to keep reinforcing her boundaries. Other than that though, things are going great. Well, as great as they can for a relationship she's still struggling to find the spark in.

* * *

 **Anna:** _Hey, can we hang out tomorrow after school? I need to talk to you._

 **Hans:** _??? Is everything okay?_

 **Anna:** _Yeah. Oh sorry, no I'm not breaking up with you! There's just something that's been on my mind._

 **Hans:** _Oh phew. Okay sure, I'm off tomorrow if you want to come over._

 **Anna:** _Could we meet at the coffee shop?_

 **Hans:** _If that's what you want._

 **Anna:** _Thanks [Smiley Face Emoji] I'll see you tomorrow!_

 **Hans:** _[Kissing Face Emoji]_

* * *

Anna hurries over to the coffee shop right after school. When she tells Rapunzel that she's meeting up with Hans, her friend says that they should go on another double date soon. Anna makes no promises.

She's just pulled out her notebook and set it down on the table- _their_ table, as Hans cheekily put it- as her boyfriend strolls in wearing an aggressively casual outfit of sweatpants and a St. Joseph's hoodie. "Hey babe!" she exclaims like a ventriloquist's puppet.

Hans raises an eyebrow as he sits down, "Someone must be in a good mood."

Not really, but he doesn't need to know that. "Well I finally submitted an essay for English that was due a week ago, so I'm trying to ride that high for as long as I can." Slowly but surely, she's picking away at the mountain of work she's made for herself.

"That's great news!" Hans reaches out to hold her hand, and Anna jumps at the suddenness of his movement. "But that can't be the only reason you wanted to talk to me, right?"

"Ugh, if only," Anna says while rolling her eyes. "No, I...actually had a theological question that's been bugging me. I was hoping you'd help me out with it?"

"Sure. Anything for you."

Anna feels a tug at her heart when he says those words. She gets excited at first, thinking it might finally be love making its way through her, but then she realizes that's not the case. Anything for you? Those are Elsa's words. And her heart recognizes the familiarity of them, but not the voice. Next time, she reminds herself with disappointment, maybe next time her heart will finally beat for Hans.

She opens her notebook, trying to wave away those thoughts. "It's uh...it's about idolism."

Hans' eyes light up, "Ooh, that's a heavy subject."

"Ha. Yeah. It's a real doozy."

"What about it?" Hans asks as he leans back in his chair.

"Well, there's obviously a lot of examples of people in the Bible worshipping statues and other gods, and especially in the Old Testament some of the Israelites revered the Judges as their saviors. But I'm having a hard time finding an example of a specific person being idolized by another person." Her notebook is filled with frantic writings about sermons she's heard in the past year. She has to flip through many pages to get to a blank one. "Do you know of any?"

"You mean like a celebrity? Or a prophet? I mean off the top of my head, I could make some sort of argument about John the Baptist being idolized." One thing that Anna can definitely appreciate is his eagerness to always talk about Scripture. He always speaks just a little bit faster and his eyes are always just a little wider when the Bible comes up, and she's been told that her voice and eyes do the same.

"Eh not exactly," she replies apologetically. "I was thinking more like a loved one. An object of affection."

Hans nods and looks up, really thinking about this question. Part of Anna hopes this will be a short conversation and that they never have to breach it again, but another part of her hopes this discussion takes time so that she can be fully assured that she's not committing a cardinal sin.

After a few more seconds, Hans takes a long, exaggerated breath and says, "Wow, that's actually a tough one. I'm trying to think of a story or a verse and right now, I've got nothing."

Anna frowns, "I was afraid of that."

"Why the interest anyway? You sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry. I...it's part of my essay. For St. Joseph's," she lies. "The prompt is on idol worship."

"Oh wow, they're really diversifying," Hans says without questioning her motives anymore. "Well there are definitely examples of people in the Bible going to crazy lengths for the people they love. Jacob worked for Rachel's dad for 14 years before he could marry her. Joseph took Mary all the way to Egypt so they'd be safe from King Herod. And of course there's the whole book of Ruth."

Anna scoffed, "Ruth…"

"What? You don't like the book of Ruth?" Hans says with an amused smile.

"Eh."

"That's gotta be against the rules, right?! It's one of the greatest love stories in the Bible!"

Anna gags, "People _always_ say that, but like I don't see it! At all! A girl works in a field collecting scraps, falls in love with a guy she's seen once, and tries to get his attention by sleeping by his feet like a dog? Oh yeah that's _super_ romantic."

It's now Hans' turn to scoff, "It's a story about loyalty! And respect! And finding love after devastation!"

"It's hokey! Plus he proposes with a sandal! I've never heard of a girl fantasizing about their boyfriend getting down on one knee and presenting them with a stinky slipper."

"Hey, traditions were different back then." Hans argues this last point and then puts his hands up. "But fine, I _guess_ to some people's interpretations, Ruth's story might not seem very romantic."

"Because it's not." Anna has also leaned back in her chair along with having her arms crossed, and while her words might seem a little scathing, she's actually enjoying this conversation. Bantering with Hans, talking about their opinions on the Bible, it brings her a bit of joy. He's smart, opinionated, will call her out on her hot takes. In another time, another life, they probably would have made really good friends.

But they're not. They're dating. And it sucks.

That guilt-ridden thought dampens her mood quickly, but she hides behind her smile because right now isn't the time or place to cry. Besides, she can't mope over things she can control, right?

"Anyway…" Hans exclaims, "To get back on topic, the Bible definitely has examples of what romantic love is and isn't. Now obviously the love Jesus has for us- and the love we show for him- are a different kind. The most important kind. I think that as long as that love for Jesus is intact, it's hard to really fall into idol worship."

"But when you've...fallen for someone," Anna feels like she just swallowed a fifty-pound dumbbell. This is the first time she's verbally implied she was in love with her sister. "How do you know the difference between infatuation and idolization? I feel like it'd be easy to mix those two up."

"Maybe," Hans says without any trouble. "But I think that just comes from the fear of being in love. It's scary how much you change when you're around the person you're in love with, and sometimes you can get too caught up with thinking that means your life revolves around them now."

"Do people really change that much when they're in love?" Anna says before realizing that this question has no theological basis to it.

Hans doesn't seem to catch that, however, already putting on that knowing smirk she's seen a few times before. "From experience? And from what I've heard? Absolutely. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes that change might be exactly what you need. That's one of the things that makes love so special: it makes you want to be a better person. Not just for the person you're with, but for you."

Anna doesn't have to think too hard about whether or not Elsa's made her a better person. The answer is an emphatic yes. "But...shouldn't God be enough for that? Shouldn't you strive to be a better person for him?"

"Of course."

"Then wouldn't that mean you're putting your romantic partner on the same pedestal as God."

"No, I wouldn't say that."

"Then what's the difference?" Anna has to try hard to keep from raising her voice out of exasperation. It's not Hans' fault that her big question hasn't been answered yet, but she was hoping it wouldn't take this much thinking about. The page in front of her remains blank as she realizes she's been too enamored with talking about this to write anything down.

Despite all this, Hans has kept his composure. He's even placed his hands in the pocket of his hoodie to show how non-stressed he is about this. "Well think about how God is supposed to function in your life, aside from being the whole purpose of it obviously."

Anna bites her tongue and nods, thinking it's best she doesn't say anything else for a little bit.

"He's the one you go to for guidance, first and foremost you turn to him when times are tough and when times are good. Right? Sure, you can go to people for help but we're fundamentally human and will make mistakes. The one who's never wrong is God."

Anna nods again.

"He's also the guy who dictates your life, your morals, your outlook. If you turn to a human for that, if you're only happy when they're happy, then you stop becoming your own person. You devote your life to their wellbeing so that you can feel good too."

Anna considers that briefly, thinking of any times she's refused to be happy because Elsa wasn't. Sure there were times when she wanted to cheer Elsa up when she was sad, but...she can't think of any time when she put her own happiness on hold to make Elsa happy.

"And God is the one thing in this life we can't live without. How many verses in the Bible talk about how God is enough even when we have nothing? If we replace God in that statement with a person...well I think that's a definite indicator that you've made them an idol."

This is the one that Anna definitely has to stop and think about. Would her life have no meaning if Elsa wasn't around? Well of course she would be devastated, but...but she spent the last three years having Elsa only be around for a couple of months at a time and she's turned out just fine.

Even when she first realized she had feelings for Elsa, they weren't a full-blown obsession that took over her life. They distracted her, obviously, and the thoughts definitely became much more rampant leading up to Elsa coming back from her mission trip, but they weren't thoughts she willingly entertained. And Anna thinks it's because of her effort to try and control them that's ensured they don't completely take over her life. Distracted her from her schoolwork? Yes. Made her second-guess every interaction she has with Elsa? Absolutely. Caused her to get into a relationship with someone that should have remained a good friend? Unfortunately yes.

But did she _really_ idolize Elsa? Well, it's Hans' final point that helps her answer that.

"I think the one thing you really need to consider is this: Love is rough. It's messy, and not always fireworks and ice cream, it's work. Even the love we have for God is work because it's a relationship we want to pursue. But that's what makes the love _worth it._ With an idol...you don't get that. You don't want the bad times, you only want the benefits, the joy, the good parts. Love is work, idolatry is endless gratification."

Finally, Anna feels compelled to write something down. She hastily scribbles that last statement into her notebook, knowing that she'll always remember the other things Hans said. And right underneath that quote, she writes in big letters: **LOVE =/= IDOLS**

If she wasn't so worried about raising suspicion, Anna would have let out a sigh of relief. She might have a lot of things to worry about when it comes to her unnatural attraction to Elsa, but idolizing her isn't one of them. She would thank God if not for the irony of doing so.

"Does that help?" Hans asks.

Anna nods, "It really does. Thank you."

He gives her a smile, genuine and relieved, "Well I'm glad. Is there anything else you want to ask?"

"No, this helps out plenty."

"Awesome! Well I mean if you're not busy or anything do you maybe wanna…"

Right...they're dating. And after all this time, he still gets nervous asking to spend time with her. Except when it comes to kisses, he never really asks for those he just gets them. Sometimes takes them.

But the nagging thought that they should have remained friends, and with all this newfound information of idolatry, has Anna feeling like they should end this "date" now. Or whatever she wants to call this thing they did today.

Anna leans across the table and kisses Hans, "Sorry babe, I wanna get this essay done while this information is still fresh in my head."

"Oh. Okay." Hans tries to look surprised, but he can't hide the disappointment that comes with it. "Well at least text me when you get home?"

"I will, don't worry." Anna puts her notebook back in her bag and stands up. She squeezes his shoulder and smiles, "Thanks again for helping me, you're a lifesaver."

"I try."

* * *

Later that night, after another dinner where her parents tell more than ask to formally meet Hans, Anna's left feeling much less sure of herself.

So she isn't idolizing Elsa, at least from what Hans inadvertently tells her, but that doesn't change the fact that she's still in love with her. The short-lived relief she felt was also undeserved, and now...what?

She doesn't know, and it's frustrating. More than frustrating, it's irritating. Like she has some sort of sickness that dozens of doctors can't explain much less understand, and she's stared up at so many hospital ceilings and she just wants out. Diagnosis or not, treatment or not, she just wants to be free.

And no amount of note-taking or rationalizing is going to do anything about this. So, she does what she should have done a long time ago.

She sits on her bedroom floor, back against her bed, and lets out a deep breath, "Okay God...let's talk."

Anna's prayed hundreds of times, but they've always been tradition-heavy, formulaic, like she has to say these certain things in this certain order. And for years, that's brought her comfort because she didn't have much to ask from God. But the formula wasn't working, not for this. She's been told many times that prayers should be conversations you have with God, like ones you have with your best friend, but that idea's never sat well with her. Because God wasn't just a best friend to her. He was the one with the answers, a source of comfort, a guiding light. He deserved more respect and grandeur than a casual talk.

But she feels like she's out of options, and maybe this could help and maybe this won't. She has to try.

She looks up, but not at anything in particular. "I know you and I don't usually talk like this, it probably feels weird not hearing me start off by talking about your blessings for like five minutes straight. It definitely feels weird for me. But I...I'm feeling a little desperate here, you know? And I need some answers. Th-that's not me demanding anything from you, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just stuck, and you've never steered me wrong in the past and I could really use your help with this."

She takes another deep breath as her heart starts beating faster. "God, I can't even say it out loud," she says with a nervous laugh. "I-I'm scared of anyone overhearing me, you know? Please don't force me to say it out loud, I'm already kind of a mess as it is."

She goes silent as if waiting for a response. But there's nothing except for the sound of her uneasy breaths and the soft buzzing of the suburban streets.

"Please give me something, God," she continues. "You know what I'm going through, like...you _have_ to. I mean you were never in this kind of situation, but you know pain and you know what it feels like to be lost. Can you please tell me what I have to do to get rid of these feelings? These thoughts, I-I know they're _very_ wrong, and I want them to go away and they _won't_. Can you at least tell me why they won't?"

More silence.

"Please...can you tell me anything?"

By now her labored, uneasy breaths have given way to tears she promised earlier in the day not to shed. They run down her cheek and onto her puffy pajama bottoms. But she doesn't break, doesn't completely give in to the all-too-familiar dread. She keeps her eyes up, blinking the tears away.

"Right. No, you're right this is my problem. I got myself into this mess and I need to get myself out of it. I just need to keep thinking about what to do. Sorry to bother you, uh...and for taking your time. Um...amen? Amen. I guess. Yeah, sorry again."

Anna takes a little longer to stand up. An unfinished math assignment lays on her desk, but she can't seem to find the energy to finish it. Not tonight, at least. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe everything will be better tomorrow. Maybe she'll have the answers tomorrow.

She turns off the fanlight and slips into bed, wrapping herself tightly in her thick blanket. She never realized just how quiet her room is until now.

* * *

 _Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength._ (Deuteronomy 6:5)

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

"You're looking at me again."

"I'm always looking at you."

"Yeah but you've got work to do."

"And what if I want to kiss you instead?"

Anna looks up from her laptop and gives Hans a small smile, "I've got work to do too."

Hans scoots closer to her on the couch. They're the only ones in the Bible study room for the time being and the overhead lights above them are the only source of light in the otherwise dark space. Hans is putting the finishing touches on his lesson for tonight and answering emails, and Anna is chipping away at her mountain of overdue homework.

To her credit, she's been able to get a decent amount of it done thanks to severe tunnel vision and not spending time with anyone outside of school. This does include Hans for the most part, who's been understanding of her school struggles and this is the only time they've seen each other in a week.

However, this includes Elsa too.

Every day for almost a week now, she's stuck to the same ritual. She gets home from school, eats something, locks herself in her room to do the homework that's currently due, walks downstairs during dinner time to drink some water, gets lectured by her parents for not having dinner with the family, goes back upstairs feeling like a horrible daughter, and then locks herself back in her room to do the homework that's been due for weeks. Somewhere in this hectic schedule, she also finds time to pray/beg God to give her a word, a sign, _something_ that will finally give her the peace of mind she needs.

But there's just silence. It's always silence.

Every night, however, Elsa never fails to knock on her door after dinner wondering if she wants her to bring some food, or if she just wants to talk, and it takes so much effort for Anna not to say anything. Because she knows that once she says anything, she won't be able to stop herself from reaching out even more to Elsa. And she won't put the burden of her shameful troubles on her sister.

Tonight, she catches a little bit of a break mentally. It's the first time in a while that she's felt "normal".

She didn't wake up this morning with tears on her pillow. She was able to focus during school and didn't feel a dark rain cloud following her around. And with her good- well, passable- mood, she feels like she can spend some time with her boyfriend. Which he's all-too-eager to take advantage of.

"Come on, just one kiss?" He coaxes.

Anna knows that he doesn't need to convince her. They haven't seen each other in a bit and she feels like she owes him something. Good girlfriends don't just leave their man hanging, right? She closes her laptop and looks into Hans' eyes, suggestive and yet certain that something will happen, and she leans forward to give him what he wants.

When the kiss goes on for longer than expected, she reminds herself, again, that this is what good girlfriends do. It doesn't make kissing any easier, but this is more for Hans than it is for her. So, she tries not to mind that she's not getting as into it as he is. Tries not to mind when Hans' tongue swipes across her lips. Tries not to mind when he leans forward, puts one hand against the couch and the other on her waist.

Because this is for him.

And maybe the longer she lets this go on, the easier it'll be to start liking it.

Hans only stops kissing her when his hand has somehow found its way just behind the hem of her shirt. He looks like he's about to say something, but Anna smiles and beats him to it. "This feels like more than one kiss, mister."

Hans still hovers above her, their lips just an inch apart. Gone is the coy, confident look she's so used to seeing, and in its place is this...it's something she can't quite understand. Like this contained darkness, frustration covered thinly with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Sorry," he says but it doesn't quite feel like he means it. "Guess I got a little carried away."

And for the first time in their relationship, Anna finally allows herself to feel uncomfortable. It's never a good feeling, but she also kinda likes it. She feels comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

Bible study is starting soon, and any minute now someone can walk through the door. She places a hand on his chest and says, "You should probably finish prepping for tonight."

Hans blinks and shakes his head, the darkness leaves his eyes. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," he says, sounding like his normal self again.

They go back to their respective sides of the couch, Anna pulls down her shirt and wipes her lips with her arm. For some reason, she can't focus on her New Testament homework anymore. Thankfully, it's not too long before there's a knock on the door.

* * *

It's 10:30 PM that same night, Anna's been trying to sleep for...gosh, who knows how long. But it's looking like it'll be one of those nights where her mind is going to keep her awake for as long as it wants to. After tossing and turning so much that she's actually worked up a sweat, Anna decides to use this time to at least be productive.

She walks to her desk, opens up her laptop, and navigates to the document containing her St. Joseph's essay. Maybe she can add a few more words to it.

_Throughout my life, I've always felt God calling me towards…_

And that's all she has so far.

Writing this essay should _not_ be difficult. After all the sermons she's heard and the things her mentor back in fourth grade taught her, knowing her calling should be as easy as saying her ABC's. But it isn't, it never has been. She can't remember how many times she prayed to God as a kid and waited silently for him to say anything about her calling, she even tilted her head so that one ear was pointed at the sky to hear him better.

Which now explains why she had neck problems in elementary school.

She's volunteered for every ministry at Hillside, researched different fields that you could go into with a Theology degree, wrote countless prayer cards seeking a revelation, and still...nothing.

Now, finally facing one of the simplest questions in the universe, Anna's drawing a blank. She put her head in her hands and mutters to God once more, "Please give me something…" Again, no response, but she thinks she understands why.

It's not a head thing or a hearing thing, it's a heart thing.

God sees what's in her heart (the lies, deception, incestual feelings) and knows she won't be worthy of his calling if she hasn't gotten rid of that sickness, that bile. It could be that God is looking down at her, leering at his child for not doing what's right. But how is she supposed to know what to do if God won't even tell her _that_?! It's confusing and frustrating, like a Rubik's cube where the colors change every five seconds. And all she can work with is what she already knows.

She states the obvious to herself first: her relationship with Hans needs to end, and it needs to end soon. For far too long, she's been lying to Hans and she's been lying to herself that one day she'll feel something for him. It's been more than a month, and no amount of kisses, dates, or fabricated flirtatious text messages will change that.

But what about Elsa? Again, it's not like she _wants_ these feelings, she would be just fine thinking of her sister as _only_ her sister. But what is she supposed to do when simply looking at her turned her insides into jelly? Even the brief moments she's gotten to see Elsa this week, and hearing her voice through the door, are more than enough fuel for the fire that won't die out.

She doesn't have the luxury of waiting this out to see if the feelings will go away, there isn't time for that anymore. But maybe there's time to...finally talk about this.

Maybe it's time to do the craziest of crazy things she's ever done, and talk to Elsa about her feelings.

If there's anyone that can even remotely understand what she's going through, it's her sister. She's always trusted Elsa to keep her deepest secrets. And she can't think of anyone easier to talk to, and who knows exactly how to comfort her whenever she needs it.

But what would she even say? "Hey sis, I've fallen in love with you and now God's angry with me"? How does she approach this without making it sound like it's Elsa's fault?

They've been through this kind of thing before. The blaming, slinking away into locked rooms, long periods of time without a substantial conversation. But back then it was Anna who had to worry about Elsa. That was only three years ago, and now...it's hard knowing what Elsa must have felt. _If_ this is anything at all like Elsa felt.

To this day, she still never asked Elsa what she went to therapy for.

Suddenly, a shuffling noise, like the sound of sliding paper, pauses her thoughts. Anna jumps in her seat. Any chance of the sound being the wind from her open window is nulled when she hears muffled footsteps walking away from her door.

Someone's still awake- no, Elsa is still awake. It has to be her, their parents never stayed up past 9.

Anna quietly stands up and walks over to her door. Sure enough, there's an envelope on her floor with her name on it. In Elsa's handwriting. Tentatively, she picks it up and walks back to her desk so that she can see it better.

It's closed but not sealed, and there's a tiny heart nestled by her name. There are two pieces of paper inside the envelope, one is a letter and the other is a sketch of Anna dressed up in winter gear, holding a penguin in her mittens. It's beautiful.

She holds the letter in her hand gently like it will crumble if she grips it too hard. Judging by the sketch, what's written is probably nothing to worry about. But it can't just be a spontaneous "Friendly reminder that I love you" letter either. Her avoidant behavior looks to have finally caught up with her.

For a second, she considers not reading it. But it's from Elsa, and if she took the effort to draw her something, then she had to have put even more effort into the letter. With a deep breath, she unfolds it and reads.

* * *

_Anna,_

_It's okay not to be okay, it's okay to need your space._

_I know that whatever you're going through isn't going_

_to break you because you've always been the strongest_

_one out of the both of us. Mentally, emotionally, and_

_yes even physically. I still need to get you back for that_

_time you picked me up and threw me into a pool._

_You're a fighter, but that doesn't mean you have to_

_fight alone. You have me, you've_ _always_ _had me,_

_and you know that I'll drop everything and help you_

_if you just ask. You're my sister and I miss you._

_Please don't make the same mistakes I did. If_

_you ever want to talk, my door is always open._

_Except when I'm changing haha. That was a_

_joke, I mean my room will be locked when I'm_

_changing but I figured that maybe it's been enough_

_time since that...incident that we can laugh about it._

_Gosh I really hope you're smiling right now._

_I'm always here for you. I love you._

_\- Elsa_

* * *

Anna folds the letter back up and places it back in the envelope. It doesn't feel any less frail in her hands after reading it. The words are so simple in their caring, so obvious in their empathy, but they still make her eyes water and her chest tighten.

Part of her wants to go to Elsa now, seeing if she's still awake. She wants to spend the rest of the night saying she's sorry, hoping that's what it will take to feel God's forgiveness. Of course Elsa will forgive her- in fact, she'll probably say there's nothing to apologize for- but she won't know why Anna's really sorry.

Maybe it's not a good idea to confess anything to Elsa. Maybe there's no one that can help her out of this but herself. Her sister's words are supposed to be encouraging, but instead they reinforce the futility of her efforts. No matter how hard she tries to distance herself from Elsa, she'll never let her go too far. So, instead, she accepts it. Accepts everything.

Anna shuts her laptop, pushes the envelope aside, and closes her eyes. And she prays again. Hopelessly, incoherently and desperately, but it's all she can think to do right now.

"God, I don't care if you can hear me or not," she says in a harsh whisper. "...but Elsa is the best gift you've ever given me. Feelings or no feelings, just _please don't take her from me._ "

And when her sin becomes louder than her prayers, that's when she finally gives in to the tears.

* * *

_We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will._ (John 9:31)

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One day, there will be a chapter that doesn't end with Anna being sad as fuck. This is not that day. However, for those wanting some more plot progression and less depression, that starts...pretty much now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ayy who ordered the Sisterly Bonding with a side of Incest Guilt?

* * *

Somehow, despite getting maybe four hours of sleep, Anna feels...awake? Or at least her mind is. Physically she feels like she's walking through jelly, and the bags under her eyes are at a color that not even makeup can conceal. But with her surprising amount of clarity, she declares two things: she can't avoid Elsa forever, and she needs to break up with Hans before the end of the week.

The latter feels much easier to handle than the former…

And yet Elsa is the one she chooses to tackle first, almost literally. After an uneventful day at school, she drives straight home with a loosely-held-together plan to reconcile with her sister. They haven't had a substantial conversation since Anna cried in her lap, and it's not from lack of trying. At least not on Elsa's part.

She always asks how school went every time Anna comes home, and she usually mumbles out something that sounds like "Good". Expectant, hopeful eyes from her older sister haven't been successful in getting her to disclose anything else. Anna hasn't even tried to smile when she comes home anymore, figuring that Elsa knows her well enough to see if she's faking happiness that it's pointless to convince her otherwise.

And yet Elsa persisted, trying but not prying to hear more from her younger sister. Lately, she's also been finding chocolate on her desk when she comes home from school, small pieces like the ones you give children on Halloween. Or to the kids at Hillside during the Harvest Festival. She finds sticky notes with encouraging words and Bible verses on their bathroom mirror. More than once, Elsa's offered to drop her off and pick her up from school.

The letter wasn't Elsa's only attempt at reaching out, but it was by far the most direct.

Anna still feels like tearing up whenever she thinks of those three words: "I miss you." Even if the scathing voice in her mind continues to condemn her for falling for her sister, she fights through those thoughts. Because she misses Elsa just as much as she's infatuated with her.

She hastily parks on the curb, slings her backpack over her shoulder, and makes it to the front door like it'll disappear if she isn't fast enough. After fumbling with her keys and nearly dropping them, she takes a second to reset herself. It won't do her any good if she's a blubbering mess in front of Elsa. She wants to sound confident- or at least sure of herself to the point that she can have more than a five-word conversation.

Successfully finding the right key, she opens the door and steps inside her uncomfortably quiet home. The living room TV isn't on and there aren't any signs of her sister being here save for her shoes by the front door. It disappoints her more than she's expecting when she isn't greeted by Elsa's smile and her asking how school was.

Thinking she must be in her room, Anna kicks off her shoes and walks up the stairs, nearly tripping over herself when she gets to the top. Would it be better if she took her backpack off first and then walked into Elsa's room? Or should she go to Elsa now? Did it matter? Why is she overthinking this?

Anna decides on making the quick detour to her own room first, unlocking it and then tossing her bag onto her bed. And then, since she was already here, she slipped off her socks and unbuttoned her jeans to change into a comfier pair of shorts. She thinks maybe she should slow down a little bit while taking off her pants so she doesn't trip over herself-

"Anna?"

Already on one leg, Anna yelps and tries to turn around to face her sister. And instead, she trips over herself, sending her tumbling off the foot of her bed and onto the floor.

She doesn't know what hurts worse: her tailbone or her pride.

Elsa's hurried footsteps draw closer as Anna's mortification grows stronger. Here she lays on the floor, jeans pulled down to her knees, with her sister looking at her like she's died. Which, in a way, she kinda has.

"Oh my gosh, Anna! Are you okay?!" Elsa sounds almost hysterical, hand on her heart and unsure whether to get any closer than two feet in front of her. Her hair's down and splayed across her shoulders, and she's wearing her old PE shorts and a wrinkled gray shirt that shows off much of her collarbone.

"What? Oh, uh yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I just…" Anna sighs, "Gimme a second."

"Do you need help?"

"No! I mean no, I got it." It's bad enough that Elsa has to see her in such a helpless and hopeless state. Part of her wonders if she should stay on the floor for the rest of her life. She snaps out of her self-pity for the moment at least, kicks her legs to get her pants back on, and uses her bed as leverage to stand up. She buttons her jeans back on, even if it's counterproductive to her previous task, and says with a smile like this didn't just happen, "Hi, Elsa. What's up?"

Elsa stammers out things that sound like the beginning of words, it takes her a second and a quick cough to compose herself. "I-I'm sorry I didn't hear you come in. I was taking a nap."

Anna crosses her arms, forcing herself to not be awkward right now. She laughs and hopes it sounds normal, "You shouldn't apologize for napping."

Elsa laughs just as convincingly, "Yeah, that's true."

Unfortunately, this creates a natural stopgap in the conversation. Or maybe it's fortunate for Anna, this wasn't in her broad sketch of a plan but at least she has her sister's attention.

But she's not fast enough to follow up, and Elsa takes a step back. It's hard to tell whether she's embarrassed or ashamed of intruding on Anna's privacy. "I'll...give you your space. I'm happy that you made it home safely."

Instinctively, Anna grabs her hand and says, "Elsa wait." Something about the physical touch sends sparks to her brain that keeps her from overthinking. In fact, she's not thinking much at all when Elsa turns around and she can see the excitement that her older sister's trying her best to hide.

And then, in her state of not thinking, Anna moves in closer and embraces Elsa, hands wrapping tightly around her waist. Elsa's sudden gasp causes Anna to readjust her grip so her sister has room to breathe. She wonders how long, if at all, that Elsa will reciprocate, but it's almost immediate.

Elsa puts her arms around Anna's shoulders, and again...it shouldn't feel this good.

But after all the times Elsa's held her, Anna's mind now associates her with safety, compassion, and the unwavering certainty that everything will be okay if it isn't already.

And despite the huge detour from her original plan, Anna's found a roundabout way to come back to where she needs them both to be. She just needed her sister's attention so she could say something, ask something. Nestled into Elsa, smelling the traces of peach conditioner in her hair, Anna utters, "Could you help me with my essay for St. Joseph's?"

* * *

Approaching a confession of her feelings, which she's still debating, is something that will have to be eased into. The main goal is showing Elsa that she's okay and that _they're_ okay. It isn't Elsa's fault that she has feelings for her, and their relationship shouldn't suffer because Anna is a terrible person.

It's why she asks her for help with the essay. Not only does it give them something to work on together to steer them away from tough conversations, but it allows Anna to express explicit gratitude towards her sister for helping her out. Plus, she genuinely does need help on this essay.

She knows Elsa isn't going to forget that her sister basically shut down for a week, but she also knows Elsa will be too considerate to ask about it. Instead, she hums to herself while typing on her laptop, looking genuinely happy to be spending time with Anna again.

"You okay?"

Anna's eyes widen, taken by surprise at how wrong her assumption is. It seems as if Elsa isn't going to let the past week go without asking about it. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing, it's just that you're looking at me. Figured there was something you needed."

Oh, that makes more sense. Anna shakes her head, "No, sorry I spaced out and forgot I was looking at you." She almost adds that she's always looking at her.

Elsa smiles, accepting her response without the least bit of suspicion. "Well focus up for a moment, I want you to check out the list and see if I missed anything."

While Anna was being a braindead potato, Elsa was more than happy to take over the reins on this essay for a little bit. She affirmed and empathized with Anna's struggle to describe her calling and the frustration of being out of sorts with God. And she advised her little sister that when it felt like God was being silent, sometimes she needed to step forward and do something. "Sometimes you're just too far away to hear someone correctly," Elsa said to her.

And even though it's assuring to know that the silence thing is a common problem, Elsa's words inadvertently reinforce Anna's fear that she's too far gone from God. It almost puts her off from even doing this essay, but St. Joseph's is her only route for the future. It's here or nothing in their family. The past three generations are full of St. Joseph's alumni.

Anna looks anxiously at the list her sister titles "Anna's Greatest Hits", a write-up of the traits and gifts that Elsa believes her sister has.

_\- Compassionate and caring person  
_ _\- Works well with every age group, from newborns to grandparents  
_ _\- Incredibly Bible-smart, especially on the New Testament  
_ _\- Has a wonderful sense of humor  
_ _\- When she talks, people listen  
_ _\- Always lights up any room that she's in (sometimes literally, it's why our electric bill's so high)_  
_\- Really good at arguing/persuading people  
_ _\- Is the best sister anyone could ever ask for_

"Obviously you don't want to put all these down. It's an essay after all, not a resume," Elsa says. "But I figure if you saw yourself the way I see you, it'd give you a better indicator of how God sees you."

Curious, Anna asks, "Do you see me the same way God does?"

Elsa giggles, "Of course not, that's blasphemy. I'm not God, Anna."

Anna thinks but knows better than to say that Elsa's been showing her more grace than God recently. And then she thinks, why do her recent decisions justify any sort of grace?

Elsa frowns, "Is it bad? You don't look like you like the list."

"N-no, it's perfect. Really, I...wow you've already done more work than I have on this essay. It just feels weird, you know, reading all this nice stuff about me. I don't even know if I agree with anything here." Especially the best sister part. "Wait sorry, that sounds really ungrateful."

"No, this is your life. Your story. The only one that knows you more than you is God. So, if you think I've got some things wrong then I probably do." Elsa puts a hand on her knee and squeezes it, smiling wide to show that there are no hurt feelings. It sends tingles along her entire leg.

Anna rereads the list, wondering if that was really true. _Did_ she know herself better than everyone else? Did she know herself at all? Why couldn't she be as confident in her calling as she was with her romantic feelings towards her sister? "Well…" she starts with the very little amount of optimism she has. "It looks like some of these all kinda point to one thing."

"And what's that?" Elsa asks curiously, hand still on Anna's knee providing a warmth unprecedented on her skin.

"I'm... _really_ good at talking?" Anna replies with a quick laugh.

"I knew you'd realize that on your own. See, you didn't even need me."

"Of course I need you!" Anna quickly replies. Too quickly, if Elsa's widening eyes are any indication. "Don't ever say that. I'll always need you."

The smile that Elsa gives her then is different. Her lips twitch and purse as if she's containing excitement or happiness. And when her sister says "Anna…", it's soft and reserved. There's an overwhelming sense of more in her reaction, she wants to smile more, say more, do more. It's not what Anna's expecting when she gives what she believes to be a huge hint toward her unspoken affection.

When Elsa doesn't say anything else, Anna takes that as a sign to keep the conversation going. Except the logical part of her mind has been overtaken by the emotional side once she sees how her older sister reacts to her previous words. "You're like the best older sister anyone could ask for, so like...yeah. I'd kinda be a wreck without you, so I'm glad you're here."

Elsa's reaction this time is turned up to eleven when she coos and leans forward to wrap Anna up in a tight yet awkwardly positioned side hug. Elsa's arms squeeze her shoulders and her head rests close to her neck. Unsure of what's even appropriate for her to do anymore- even though she surprised Elsa with a hug earlier- Anna lightly pats her sister's forearm.

And even at this moment, one that's more intimate than Anna's making it out to be, Elsa still makes no mention of the past. She doesn't subtly drop any hints that she wants to talk about how Anna's really been doing. And she doesn't make her say anything she doesn't want to.

All Elsa says in this tight embrace is, "I love you so much."

And Anna- stupid, naive, hopelessly in love Anna- allows herself to feel what she feels. Just for a second. For one more second, she turns off her brain, rests her head against Elsa's, and says the words that mean more than Elsa may ever know:

"I love you too."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dunno if this warrants a content warning, but this chapter contains a messy breakup. Nothing awful happens to Anna, but if you've ever been through a messy breakup this might trigger some bad memories for y'all.

* * *

Anna decides to break up with Hans on Sunday. Again, she only has a broad sense of a plan, but that's better than nothing, right? She'll get his attention after service (which won't be difficult), going somewhere more private, and breaking the bad news to him (which will be _very_ difficult).

It would be a surprise to Anna if Hans didn't see this coming since she's stopped replying to his messages this past week. It's a purposeful decision, she feels sick thinking about leading him along any longer. And responding to his requests to hang out, or reciprocating his flirtations, are things that a more honest girlfriend should be doing. She's not honest, she's a fake. And she couldn't keep being a fake. Although, in hindsight, she at least could have texted some half-baked apology and said she's "just busy".

It's Sunday morning, the big day. Anna sits with her family in their pseudo-assigned seats for service, her parents remarked earlier in the day that it was nice to see her "in better spirits", and Elsa...well, she's not actually here. Not sitting with them anyway.

Today she's on stage.

While they were working on her St. Joseph's essay, Elsa told her that Pastor Tom's given her the honor of speaking to Hillside today in his stead. He says that it'll be a no-pressure kind of thing and that she just has to talk about her mission trip to Ghana, and what it means to be sent out to the world like that. But Elsa's been stressing over it regardless, because she's Elsa.

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? I could have helped you!" Anna said to her.

"I didn't want to bother you," Elsa reasoned.

By the time she'd told Anna about it, Elsa already sent the sermon for Pastor Tom to look over and revise. Thankfully, Anna could still help her run through it and give her some pointers about her presentation and posture and all that. Elsa's always been a mess when it came to public speaking, something that came naturally to Anna.

It feels good to not have to take notes for a sermon this time and just listen to the speaker. Elsa looks like she's taking all of Anna's pointers to heart. She's moving around and not gluing herself to the podium, keeping the smile on her face, and emphasizes her main points by speaking slowly and precisely.

"So, what's the benefit of a mission trip?" Elsa asks. "Well, aside from a new Facebook profile picture."

There's a scattering of laughs from the congregation, which is a relief to Anna. She helped write that joke into her sister's sermon, but feared it wouldn't go over well with those listening. Especially the older crowd, who were probably going to tune out when they saw a young lady instead of their regular pastor speaking to them from a point of authority. Elsa, herself, looks relieved to see that the joke doesn't get her booed off the stage, and she continues into her next point.

And seeing her sister in this light does...well it does a lot to Anna. Maybe it's because Elsa's wearing dark slacks and a soft purple button-up which make her look like the most attractive principal ever. Maybe it's the way she walks with purpose and as if she was meant to be on this side of the sanctuary. Maybe it's the familiarity of the words that make it feel like they're the only two people here.

Maybe it's all of these things that finally make Anna realize there's no one that comes close to capturing her heart as Elsa does.

"And maybe you don't need to wait for a sign from God to go on a mission, maybe that doesn't have to be your motivation," Elsa says, returning back to the podium to make her last point. "Maybe your motivation can be something simple as...giving back to someone who can never repay you. I mean isn't that why we're here today? Because someone made a sacrifice for us that we can never repay?"

That gets a lot of nods and sounds of affirmation from the congregation. Anna smiles proudly as Elsa catches her eye. It's not the first time they've subtly looked at each other throughout this sermon, but it's the first time Elsa returns the smile.

Service is over soon after that, not that Anna notices all that much. Since it's the last one for the day, no one's in much of a rush to leave which means there are too many people around Elsa afterward hoping to have a word with her. Which definitely won't sit well with her social anxiety, and that's why Anna nudges past everyone else to give her sister a much-needed hug.

For both of them.

"Thank you," Elsa whispers into her ear.

"You were amazing," Anna whispers back.

It's a bit of a blessing that everyone here knows they're sisters because the people around them react with an innocent "Aww" from their embrace. Even though Anna's hand is pressed right between Elsa's shoulder blades, and her face is buried in the crook of Elsa's neck.

Anna stays by her sister's side for a little bit as she fields questions about mission trips and St. Joseph's specifically. Elsa answers them with ease, with a hand on Anna's lower back for comfort, oblivious to the shockwaves thrumming along Anna's spine at her touch.

It's odd being on this side; usually it's Pastor Tom, and sometimes his wife, who's in front of the stage speaking to the people. But it's Elsa and Anna this time, and despite the circumstances, it feels natural. And Anna could honestly be by her sister's side forever if it wasn't for a certain someone talking to their parents at their seats.

Hans. How did she forget?

Anna squeezes Elsa's arm, "Sorry, I gotta take care of something."

Elsa, who looks like she was in the middle of a sentence, reorients herself and stammers, "N-no that's okay. Yeah go ahead, I'll still be here."

With a smile, Anna leaves her sister be and hopes Elsa's gained enough social energy to last until she's spoken to, it seems like, every old woman in the building. She heads back to her parents with a quick yet non-frantic pace, they're smiling and her mother laughs as Hans says something that's probably a joke. When she gets near, all eyes turn towards her.

"Anna! Hey!" Hans exclaims with what sounds like genuine delight. "I saw your parents here and I felt like it was finally time to introduce myself."

Anna feels more dread than she should when she sees Hans by her parents, which isn't a good thing to feel about her boyfriend. Even more reason that this breakup needs to happen. For now, however, she puts on a happy face in front of her parents so things don't get awkward. "That's great to hear," she says, going with what feels like the most innocent lie.

"It's so lovely to finally put a face to a name," her mother exclaims. "I mean of course we've seen you around, but it's good to be properly introduced."

Anna looks at her father, who gives her a straight-lipped look as if to ask why they haven't met Hans until now.

"Well I'd love to get to know your family even more. Say...over dinner sometime?" Hans looks at the three of them hopefully, his smile growing wider when he looks at Anna. She doesn't return it, in fact her face has dropped at his suggestion and she opens her mouth to protest.

But her father speaks up before she can. "I think that's a wonderful idea. How about next weekend? We can barbecue!"

Anna knows that she needs to stop this before any plans are confirmed, even if it means doing something she was always scolded not to do: interrupt her parents. "Hey, that sounds amazing!" she says with more volume than she needs. "But hey, uh can I talk to you first, Hans? Alone?"

Hans and her mother look at her with surprise, her mother moreso. Her father frowns and says, "Anna, you know it's impolite to interrupt."

"I know, but it's important." Anna feels a weight drop in the pit of her stomach with each word she speaks. She's never talked back like this before, it's terrifying...but also a little bit exciting? That can't be good. As her father's frown grows wider, her unease grows stronger.

Ironically, it's Hans who saves her so that they can move forward with the break-up. He puts a hand behind her father's chair, somehow so at ease being in his personal space, and says, "It's okay, I probably shouldn't be taking so much of your time anyway. And besides, I'm sure Elsa would love to hear from her parents about her sermon today."

Her father nods, not-as-upset with Hans' interruption. "True. Alright, we'll have Anna tell us when you're available next weekend, so we can prepare." He stands up and shakes Hans' hand, making Anna internally cringe at how much they're bonding right now. As if this isn't already enough of a nightmare.

A minute later, after her parents say their goodbyes to Hans (for the last time, unbeknownst to them), she walks hand-in-hand with her boyfriend out to the basketball courts. It wasn't her idea to hold hands, obviously. When she opens the door, however, she's racked with chills colder than the late-morning air around them. And her heart begins to race; similar to the pace when she holds Elsa's hand but it feels worse this time. Like it might just start beating fast enough to explode.

She's never been in a relationship until now, which means she's never had to break up with someone before. And yes it was built on a lie, and Hans will be so much better off without her, but he doesn't know that.

This could have been avoided so easily. But she was stupid, and made bad decision after decision. Now she'll have to needlessly break someone's heart because she failed to feel something she had no trouble feeling for her own sister. And lo and behold, the aggressively strong anxiety that punished her when she first found out about her feelings for Elsa reintroduces itself. There's a seething warmth on the back of her neck even though they're facing the sun, as if God is boring a hole right through her with his righteous gaze.

When they come to a stop by the bleachers, the same ones where Anna yelled at Elsa, Hans takes her other hand in his as well and says, "What's going on, babe? I've been trying to talk to you all week." His words are accusing and concerning at the same time.

Anna winces, "Please don't call me that."

He raises an eyebrow, "Uh...are you okay?"

"Yes. I mean no. I mean...I don't know." Anna pulls her hands away, wrings them together, and spits out the words she wished she never had to say. "Hans, we need to break up."

In an instant, the air grows colder and she can see glass shattering behind Hans' wide eyes. In an instant, his warm, inviting smile goes away and is replaced by a stark look of betrayal. In an instant, she is no longer Anna, the caring girlfriend who's stood by his side for weeks, but instead she is Anna, the villain. The heartbreaker.

In an instant, any confidence she had wanes and is replaced by fear.

Hans stumbles back, "I...I'm sorry what?"

Anna looks off to the side, down the freshly-mown field connecting the church with the rest of the town, an invisible border enticing her to run away from this moment. "I-I'm breaking up with you, Hans," she pointlessly repeats, causing unnecessary damage.

He lets out a pained breath, "Anna, wh-what are you talking about? I thought we were okay."

"Well, we're not." Is she being too needlessly cold? Isn't it bad enough that she's dumping him in the first place? She sighs, but it does nothing to calm her nerves and the creeping sensation that something bad's about to happen. "I'm sorry, I know this is really unexpected, I just- I think this is best."

"But why?"

She should have expected this question. In a way, she kind of was but never found a convincing enough answer to give. The truth would break Hans even more, despite the fact that it would probably make him repulsed by her, cutting this conversation short. Anna doesn't see that happening, however, especially when she sees the tears. Hans' tears. Hans is starting to cry in front of her and is making no signs of trying to hide it.

And if there's ever a time for Anna to be crying too, it's now. But the tears she wants to shed aren't arriving, and she's forced to look emotionless and careless as Hans repeats shakily, "Why?"

Anna looks down at her feet and says with genuine remorse, "I...I can't keep leading you on, Hans. You're an amazing guy, but you and I as a couple just never worked for me. I wanted it to, I _really_ wanted it to, but I could never feel the same way that you feel for me."

"But Anna, I love you," Hans says suddenly, making a difficult situation even more difficult.

For a brief moment, Anna is able to meet his eyes and sees the desperation, the fight he's wanting to give for a girl who doesn't deserve it. And she knows that she has to put the final nail in the coffin. Now.

"I don't love you, Hans," she says. "I-I wish I could, but I don't. I can't."

"Why not? What's so wrong with us? Don't you see how hard I'm trying?"

Anna's stomach tightens. "This isn't about how hard you're trying, I know you put so much effort in this relationship but I can't do the same. I wanted to learn, to feel for you the same way, but I couldn't. It's- we're not meant to be together, Hans. You need someone better for you than me."

And finally, movement. Hans steps forward, quicker than she's expecting, and says just as fast, "But I want you. Anna, I want _you._ "

There's still a couple of feet of space between them, and yet Anna still feels as if the air around her has been taken away. "I don't want you," she replies, wondering if that response is too aggressive.

It's not, and she knows it's not because Hans shows her an aggressive response by taking another step forward and placing his shaking hands on her arms. "No, but I did everything for us. I could have been anything for you. I just want you, Anna, and no one else. I love you, a-and you can learn to love me."

There's still pain in his tear-stained eyes, but accompanying it is this frantic desperation that causes Anna to step back and to feel colder than the October weather allows. "Aren't you listening to me?" she asks with growing discomfort. "I _tried_ to love you, and it didn't work."

"Well, try harder!"

The fear she felt at the beginning of this break-up is nothing compared to the fear she feels with Hans' outburst. She moves back, and that causes Hans to grip her arms tighter.

Alarms start going off in Anna's mind, and she uses all of her strength to push Hans away. He stumbles back far enough to trip against the bleachers. She still steps forward to check on him out of instinct but pulls herself back at the last second. Because she knows that going to him might be a mistake, it might perpetuate a vicious cycle that she can't allow herself to be in. And even though the fleeting thought occurs that maybe that's what she deserves, she stands her ground.

Shaky and still full of fear, but she stands her ground nonetheless.

Hans picks himself up, rubs his arm from where it banged against the metal seating, and he's seething. But where's the pain? What happened to the pain in his eyes?

"It's over, Hans," she repeats softly yet firmly. "I'm truly, sincerely sorry."

She turns around and walks back to the double doors. Hans shouts something about being her everything, but all she hears is her own pounding heartbeat as her pace quickens. No looking back, she tells herself as she pushes the doors open and walks firmly towards the sanctuary again. All while the back of her neck burns with condemning heat.

When she makes it to the sanctuary, sees Elsa sitting on the stage talking to their parents and Pastor Tom, that's when she finally breathes again. Elsa catches her eye immediately and waves at her, melting away everything inside of Anna save for the guilt. She waves back to her older sister.

And everything's okay and not okay, all at the same time.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: If this chapter hurt you, join this Elsanna Discord server https://discord.gg/TU9NpnH
> 
> I will give you a picture of my dog that will hopefully brighten your spirits again.


End file.
